Author’s note: I have literally no idea where this idea came from. Sorry

Right wing religious foundation “The Church of the Christian Ejaculation” confirmed today that it was launching a television network of pornography “solely dedicated to praising the Lord spiritually, orally and, most especially, anally”

“The problem for most men looking for pornography is that they get ripped off by Satan loving fraudsters,” explained the Reverend Chris Jones, lead pastor and chief spiritual advisor to the female congregation of the church. “A man is promised a show featuring a woman, a donkey and battery operated egg whisk and what does he get? Some grainy, communist East European video featuring an agricultural worker and a cookery lesson. It’s a goddam liberty, ‘scuse my language.”

Mr. Jones explained that with “Praise the Lord Pornography” the public will know that the operation is run by “honest, God-fearing white folk” who are as good as their word and keep their promises. Mr Jones went on to assure the public that when his company promised “a gang-bang featuring 15 Nuns and 5 Altar Boys, that’s exactly what they’ll get. And our re-enactment of Christ’s entry into Jerusalem on an ass features no-holds-barred animal action with Mary Magdalene.”

In response to criticisms that pornography had no place in the Christian religion, Mr Jones demurred, asking “What could be more saintly or holy than the physical expression of love between two people. So it follows that between 15 people and a few of the Lord’s other creatures has got to be even holier.” He also promised that actors wont just be restricted to the missionary position, but would be utilising the full range of positions from the Christian karma sutra, including the beatitude blow-job, the gospel gang bang and the ascension anal adventure.

Mr. Jones also promises to do away with “rough language and explicit sexual references, unless in an artistically valid context”. Instead, Praise the Lord Pornography shall also offer quotations from the bible and frequent use of the Lord’s name to emphasise the Godliness of the actors and their activities. Examples include, “God that’s good”, “Jesus you’re big” or, “as it says in the Song of Solomon, ‘Spray your man paste in my open mouth, you horny love God'”

The Brains Trust spoke to one of the actresses from the videos, Sister Henrietta of the formerly Virginal Sisters of Christ. “It certainly makes a change from darning, cleaning and baking Eucharist bread,” she confirmed. “I was a little nervous at first but then Father Jones reminded me that sex outside marriage is not recognised by the church and so this doesn’t really count as sex and can’t be a sin. And of course the bible make no reference at all to lesbianism, so I can do that in my spare time as well as on camera.”

The videos themselves take their plotlines from the sensitive retelling of beloved biblical scenes. “The resurrection is a special favourite of mine,” smiled Mr. Jones. “You wouldn’t believe how quickly he can rise again after he’s been nailing her.” In other storylines, the parting of the Red Sea is revealed as an obvious metaphor for Moses deflowering a virgin Egyptian princess and the parable of the wise and foolish virgins shows how foolish they get with the twelve disciples after Jesus tries out his water into wine trick.

Praise the Lord Pornography will also be offering internet based services including the confessional cam, an on-line web camera where penitents can phone in and request catholic high school girls to act out their sins and beg for forgiveness and punishment. In an unrelated move, the Vatican has reportedly just ordered 2000 internet consoles and the “worlds biggest broadband link”

Author’s note: Obviously the war on drugs and prohibition have been hugely successful and so why not start banning every leisure activity that is dangerous?

Following on from a number of deaths and injuries on various mountains, including the recent helicopter crash on Everest, the Government has announced that it will be adopting a set of laws to ban mountaineering based on its “massively successful” drugs policy

The ban will “protect individuals from themselves,” claimed the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, speaking at the launch of the new policy. Mr. Blunkett, explained that the activities involved “unacceptable risks” to the “reckless and wanton” individuals who indulge in recreational climbing. “They may feel that they are simply indulging in a personal pleasure that doesn’t harm wider society, but who has to pick up the pieces when they fall off a mountain or slip on an icy glacier? The tax payer, that’s who,” intoned Mr. Blunkett. “It is obvious that the only way to protect these people and society at large from their callous clambering is to declare it illegal and force them underground. Which reminds me, I must look into pot holing, too.”

The new policy identifies different mountain ranges and classifies them according to a set of criteria including height, steepness and difficulty of ascent. Class A ranges, such as the Himalayas or Andes, will carry higher penalties than Class B ranges, such as the Pyrenees. These in turn will carry a custodial sentence higher than Class C escarpments, which include the South Downs, Ongar Hill and several large slag heaps in Yorkshire. However, a furious international row has already broken out regarding the classification of the French Alps which Mr. Blunkett has classified as “smaller than Ben Nevis and not really worth bothering about” whilst the French have insisted that the Eiffel Tower is excluded as providing an essential medical function to the “national psyche”

The Government has acknowledged that the policy may hurt a number of poor regions, including South America, Afghanistan and Eastern Europe, around the world who benefit from their status of “mountain growing communities.” However, Mr Blunkett has pointed out the harm the communities do by encouraging the use of “hard rock” and has promised to provide financial assistance for mountain replacement policies. These include helping local communities to pull down “addictive and dangerous” rockfaces and replace them with facilities acceptable to the west, such as theme parks or take away restaurants.

Reports have already started of networks of criminal gangs moving in to offer abseiling, hiking and “full scale climbing” to addicts. Dealers offer a cocktail of “highs” to users and the Government is especially worried that soft activities, such as hill-walking, could be used to lead people into harder recreations. It has promised to put money into replacement theories such as gymnasiums or home-fitness machines.

Reports continue to flood in of desperate mountaineers indulging in burglaries and muggings and international gangs setting up money laundering services and prostitution rings with the cash generated from the supply of illegal climbs. However, the Government declared itself “unutterably satisfied” with the success of the new policy and has promised to bring forward legislation to prohibit other risky solo activities including shot putting and long jumping as well as taking “a good hard look at masturbation”

Author’s note: Claire Short was in the government and then left in a huff and called for Tony Blair’s overthrow, at the time that he was fantastically popular

Claire Short continued with her media blitz today, condemning the Prime Minister as an “evil aggressor” who would “burn in Hell’s flames stoked by Satan himself and roasted by his fiery demons.”

Ms. Short was speaking at one of the many press conferences she has arranged to promote her stance against “President Blair” and persuade the British public that he should be overthrown “as rapidly as possible.” Although Ms. Short claimed that she and her allies would continue to explore peaceful ways to remove Mr. Blair, she refused to rule out “absolute, total annihilation preferably causing maximum collateral damage to his corrupt cabinet of cronies”

Ms. Short, now adopting what was described by a colleague as a “grave and Prime Ministerial tone”, continued, condemning the “current” Prime Minister for hypocrisy, citing his continual promises to make a principled stand on one issue after another and then immediately withdrawing the pledges in a flurry of excuses. “How can we trust anyone who alleges high moral principles and then fails to immediately resign when those moral peaks are not scaled?” she asked.

It appears that Ms. Short has already assembled a group of “Shorties” around her to explore how they can “unmodernise” the party, exploiting new tactics known as “the Fourth Way” to drag Labour back to its roots. “The people are crying out for a return to the old values of Labour,” she declared passionately, standing before an autocue and a group of disaffected MP’s, former cabinet ministers and disgruntled Union leaders. “The nation yearns for the freedoms of high-taxation, public ownership and all-powerful unions that bought us such success in the past. How long can this evil dictator and his craven henchmen be allowed to deny the people’s will by obtaining a massive majority in Parliament and then persuading MP’s to vote for him?”

Reports are also appearing of attempts to build a “Freedom coalition” of like-minded countries supportive of Ms. Short’s aims and opposition to the UK’s regime. These are believed to include Cuba, Iran and France, although Iran is reportedly queasy at the strength of Ms. Short’s rhetoric and bellicose language and is urging moderation.

Mr. Blair himself has become an increasingly isolated figure, finding himself on the extreme wing of the Labour Party preaching a doctrine that most Labour MP’s dismiss as “old new labour.” A figure close to Mr Blair commented, “Poor old Tony. He just sits there with a few old righties, rabbiting on about pledge cards and free-market reforms. He’ll always be outside the real decision-makers in the party – the unions and the public sector. It’s a wonder he’s got the strength to carry on”

However, Ms. Short showed little sympathy, setting up a large podium outside Number 10 Downing Street and then using an “industrial size” loud-hailer and fluorescent barrage balloon to denounce Mr. Blair’s “shameless publicity seeking.” She also continued to demand his resignation “if he has the backbone for it – the pathetic girly coward.” Mr. Blair was said to be considering a new role as spokesman and translator for President Bush.

Author’s note: I was vaguely in favour of the UK joining the Euro at first, mainly because I didn’t really understand the risks and I quite liked the idea of not having to change holiday money. Anyway, that soon changed

Pro-Euro MP’s, business leaders and the ‘Britain in Europe’ (BiE) group outlined a doomsday scenario today of poverty, hunger and destitution that lay “just around the corner” if the UK failed to join the Euro-zone.

Britain in Europe campaign director, Simon Buckby, dressed sombrely in black and surrounded by several waif-like orphans, explained the utter catastrophe into which Britain would be plunged if it made the “suicidal error” of avoiding the Euro. “All around us, we can see the damage to British industry wreaked by this Government’s dithering over the Euro,” he claimed. Mr. Buckby then went on to unveil a large poster showing hundreds of tombstones bearing the inscriptions of names of British companies that have been crippled by not having access to the Euro. “Marconi, Equitable Life, Corus,” he lamented, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. “If only these titans of industry had had access to the Euro, their appalling management and inefficient work practices would have been as nought.”

Mr Buckby also cited several research papers commissioned by BiE to highlight the malign influence of the pound. According to the medical research unit of the group, every 60 seconds 3000 people die because the UK is not in the Euro. Small babies have the life choked out of them gasping for the breath that only a neutral currency exchange can give them and the elderly die weeping on the streets, crying out to be allowed to grasp the crisp, clean purity of a ten Euro note.

The decline of British society is also blamed on the failure of the Government to embrace the Euro. One report highlights a recent speech by the Archbishop of Canterbury condemning the lack of common courtesy and kindness to other members of society that exists in Britain today. “Although he was prevented from making a direct link between this and Government policy, it was obvious that he was straining with every sinew to condemn the evil Pound and bless the sacred Euro,” claimed the report. “How much more like the loving and tolerant society of France we could all become if only the Euro would move amongst us.”

BiE also painted an idyllic picture of life in continental Euroland, contrasting the green pastures, verdant forests and “near-100% employment” of Germany with the “darkened hovels, blasted heaths and dwarven perverts” of anti-Euro Denmark. It also compared the “lamentable” growth record of the UK with that of the “Celtic Tiger” Ireland. The report pointed out that Ireland’s years of strong growth prior to joining the Euro were clearly an “anticipatory reaction” whilst its subsequent slow-down on entering the Euro-zone was solely related to it proximity to the “reactionary and hidebound” United Kingdom.

However, anti-Euro protestors have hit back at BiE’s claims and launched a strong defence of the pound. Lord Owen, Chairman of the New Europe Council, speaking from his office festooned with Union Jacks declared that the UK would never accept the Euro until it met their own strict economic criteria of “absolute control by the Bank of England, the Queen’s head covering at least 50% of the Euro note and the renaming of the Euro to ‘Le Pound’. Half of bitter and a jellied eel, anyone?”

Author’s note: Religions of all flavours seem to delight in getting stuck into telling women what to do. This seemed to be a way of highlighting how ridiculous that it. Interestingly, I never finished it.

The Vatican today announced that after “guidance from the good Lord above” that it had decided to ban the “cruel waste of human life” and declare menstruation a mortal sin.

The ban follows on from the church’s opposition to contraception, abortion and most recently stem-cell research. The church has consistently argued that the sanctity of life should extend to the most basic unit of reproduction the single cell from which a human develops. It has now decided to condemn the “frittering away of perfectly good human eggs” by “selfish harlots who should be making greater efforts to turn those eggs into children”

Cardinal Paulo Vincienzi, the Papal spokeman on Brazen Hussies, explained that the church would be providing guidance to women who were in their menstrual cycle. “We have many numbers of priests who are experienced with counselling in sexual matters, although it tends to be young boys. However, many of our Irish priests have direct experience of dealing with young women and Fatherhood. They will be offering personal guidance on how these women can turn their wasted eggs into children”

The Vatican is pushing forward its “Plan for Pregnancy” and will be distributing a Papal letter to be read out at Sunday services. Under this agenda, any woman found to have allowed herself to shamelessly have a period will be condemned to “burn in Hell, praise the Lord”. Cardinal Vincienzi explained that this plan would thus ensure that every egg cell fulfilled its potential to become a human being. “Many people condemned our stance on stem cells as ridiculous. Equating a small ball of cells with a fully formed human being and denying the benefits they could bring was seen as ludicorous. However, we believe that our new stance on menstruation shows how sensible that policy was and how reasonable the Catholic church is in its policy towards reproduction and women.”

Author’s note: I was beaten up by a load of skinheads at a Stranglers concert in Guildford.

A paper published in the scientific journal Nature has confirmed that the large numbers of shaven headed men in the world today are evolving into separate species so that they can exploit new habitats and reduce competition between “fellow slapheads” for scarce resources.

The paper, written by Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush of the Institute of Follicular Studies, claims that shaved heads are now so common amongst the male population that natural selection made evolution into different sub-species “inevitable”. Professor Hackenbush has created a taxonomy showing the clear distinctions that exist between the different types.

“The original ‘root-stock’ was the neo-nazi, typically a dominant male, highly aggressive but with a limited intelligence,” claimed the report. It then identifies new forms as including the “arty type”, “the queer or nancy”, “the cancer patient”, “the hopeless baldy seeking a disguise” and the “brainless fashion victim.”

“The new species are likely to continue to evolve rapidly as it seems unlikely that breeding will occur between these various groups and so they will be forced to interbreed within their own species,” claimed Prof Hackenbush. “Which is lucky for them, as the likelihood of any of these ugly arse heads getting a shag with anyone else is, frankly, zero”

Author’s note: The Brains Trust was taken offline and we were off grid for a couple of weeks. Surely, a portent for the future. I wrote this mail out to encourage our readers back. It’s interesting that after this the Trust was never really the same and went into an existential decline, finally ceasing to exist a couple of months later.

Our regular readers will know that the Brains Trust stops at nothing in its endeavours to bring the truth to the greater public. They know that our aim, nay our very essence, is to tease, minister, undermine, corrupt and generally get up the noses of the rich and powerful. It is also true that we work in high-powered Government jobs, discreetly pulling the levers of influence and recharging the batteries of power. There are many who resent us and dark forces are constantly at work to foil our efforts.

Unfortunately, this week, we temporarily succumbed to that darkness.

We are unable, for legal reasons, to go into details. Suffice to say that shortly after the publication of our latest issue, the plug was pulled on us by a hosting organisation in Texas. Since that time we have worked night and day to bring you, our loyal readers, the issue you have been waiting for. Delano, our Editor in Chief, has adopted the character and clothing of Napoleon, exhorting his brave foot soldiers to assemble facsimiles of our web pages and post them to newspaper editors the world over. Beaumont, our Editor, has agreed to be personally crucified and placed on the top of Big Ben in protest. Our devoted contributors have worked tirelessly, manning phone lines, picketing Parliament and personally assembling a new global internet from baked bean tins and elastic bands to allow us, once again, to be a regular fixture in homes the world over.

Now, at last we have returned. You will have to decide which article(s) so offended the sensibilities of Texas and whether we were right to publish and be damned.

T H E B R A I N S T R U S T

TRUST US | WE’RE BACK

http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk

BLAIR FINALLY ASCENDS TO “KINGDOM OF HEAVEN”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2762.html
TIDAL WAVE OF SARS DEATH SWEEPS PLANET
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2763.html
US “GIVES” IRAQ TO PALESTINE
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2754.html
CADBURYS UNVEILS NEW “CHOCOLATE JESUS”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2768.html
EMBEDDED JOURNALISTS “NEVER SLEEP”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2764.html
“SADDAM LOOKALIKES” DEMAND AN END TO WESTERN AGGRESSION
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2759.html
OLYMPICS TO BE SPLIT INTO “LIKELY WINNERS” AND “LOSERS”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2761.html
GREETING CARDS HELP ARABS EXPRESS “AMBIVALENT FEELINGS”
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.57.2753.html

Or could the following possibly be true?

Brains Trust Survives Countdown Coup

There was jubilation in streets of Britain yesterday when Delano, Editor in Chief of The Brains Trust, announced that an attempt to silence his publication had failed.

For security reasons, the problem had been initially attributed to ‘technical difficulties’. However, at a press conference Delano confirmed the rumours that The Brains Trust had actually been the victim of an attempted coup by its notorious nemesis, Richard Whiteley.

The assembled media were shown CCTV footage of the initial assault, which took place early on Sunday morning. The grainy pictures showed a grinning, blazer-clad figure emerging from a helicopter, then abseiling down a long, garishly coloured tie onto the roof of Brains Trust Towers.

Whiteley is understood to have gained backing for his adventure from the Pentagon (by telling them that Delano had large reserves of oil) and from Downing Street (by telling them that Beaumont had been writing cheques for George Galloway).

People trying to log on to the website realised something was wrong when they were greeted with solemn music (understood to be a slow rendition of the Countdown theme). Regular Brains Trust reader Derek Gadd told us,”I knew it was Whiteley straight away. He’d renamed the website ‘The Wetwang Inquirer’ and covered it with pictures of him in his mayoral outfit.”

During the attack, Beaumont, the Brains Trust editor, was held hostage by Richard Stilgoe and Gyles Brandreth. After tying him up in a ‘chunky-knit woollen straight-jacket’, they submitted him to unimaginable torture. “Brandreth would read me extracts from his memoirs,” he sobbed, shuddering at the memory. “Then Stilgoe would start some rambling anecdote about Peter Skellern. It was awful. I kept myself sane by counting the number of celebrities Brandreth managed to name-drop. I reached fourteen thousand and twelve before I passed out.”

The siege lasted for several days before being resolved by Carol Vorderman. Her agent, Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush, told us, “Carol turned up at the Countdown studios, expecting to record an episode. When she found out that Richard had buggered off to London she leapt into to her car and sped off in hot pursuit”.

Standing outside Brains Trust Towers, Ms Vorderman spent several hours pleading through a megaphone for the pun-meister to see sense and return with her to Leeds. Eventually, Whiteley reluctantly abandoned his coup after Vorderman promised to ‘show him her conundrums’.

Delano, who had locked himself in the wine-cellar “for tactical reasons which I am prevented from disclosing by the official secrets act” later emerged triumphant and declared his relief that the ordeal was over. “The Brains Trust will not be silenced,” he bellowed, dressed as Napoleon and standing on a hastily assembled wall of contributors. “We will prevail. But I am deeply indebted to the wonderful woman who liberated us. On behalf of my staff and all of our readers, I would just like to say: Thank you Carol!”

Author’s note: There were all sorts of dodgy connections between the Bush administration and the various military contractors. The logical conclusion?

The US Government has announced ambitious plans to privatise warfare and is expected to be in a position to invite tenders for “mass slaughter” from private companies towards the end of the year.

The plans, which have been formulated by right-wing think tank The Heritage Foundation, found favour with President George Bush, after it became apparent that the large cost of the Iraq invasion would cause significant damage to his tax cutting agenda.

Original plans were to outsource a large number of non-core military activities, such as logistics, to private companies. However, the report by the think tank points out that this will only save a comparatively small amount of money and postulates “cutting out the middle man and letting private companies do all the fighting for us.” The companies would issue tenders to fight each other in specific conflicts that would be televised. Embedded correspondents would be provided to both sides and alliances between media organisations and the “death industry” would be encouraged to ensure maximum relevance of news footage and the “tailoring of warfare solutions to meet customer expectations”

Mr. Bush, made an impassioned defence of the strategy, explaining that the US had already had made some abortive attempts to move into the export market for fighting, such as the Bay of Pigs, but that his country had fallen behind in the terror stakes. “For too long now we have relied on foreign imports of terror, with other countries taking a lead in this field. Well no longer. With these initiatives I am confident that the US can become a net exporter of terror. We can and will build on our success in Iraq to become the market leader in mayhem, the de facto standard for quality killing”

It is anticipated that whilst companies managing the wars would have headquarters in the US, the “manufacturing locations” would be offshore operations, situated in third world countries. Speaking on behalf of Lockheed Martin, one of the companies expected to bid for the privatised combat, Sales Director Bill Lamwhiel dismissed concerns that these countries would not welcome massed battles in their territory. “Many of these far-away countries would be happy to receive American know how and US dollars. They have picturesque locations ideal for televised conflict and a well-educated workforce able to speak English whilst fighting, dying and making that all important tearful last farewell to their old Mom back home. They will also work for much smaller amounts of money bringing massive efficiencies in our operations. And let’s face it, these guys are used to it, they’re always hacking one another to pieces in some pointless conflict or another.”

Other sectors, too, are expected to bid for particular wars and will provide innovative approaches to conflict. Tobacco companies are postulating a longer-term strategy, featuring a series of battles with protagonists attempting to kill one another with secondary smoke. Lawyers are experimenting with boring their opponents to death and some French companies are attempting to kill their enemies by eating large amounts of garlic and then “breathing on them.” “We tried conventional methods, but our guys couldn’t get the hang of picking up guns without immediately dropping them again,” claimed Phillipe de Vallance, Chief Executive of Thales.

It is expected that private corporations will be able to adapt to the new market sector relatively quickly. Much corporate strategy adopts a similar approach at the moment with “headcount reduction” and the removal of “excess personnel”. Management handbooks are filled with the jargon of war and some senior executives believe that being sent to a third world country to fight in a brutal conflict may seem a pleasant alternative for staff working in call centres or textile factories.

If the plan is a success, it is expected that other forms of violence will be outsourced. Police are already looking at privatising both murder and the violent arrest of suspects, thereby capturing “both ends of the supply chain”. Further initiatives would include muggings, assault and rape, the latter of which is already considered a core competency for a many of the world’s largest corporations

Author’s note: So, Iraq was duly flattened and when asked about the looting of the Baghdad Museum Donald Rumsfeld replied “Stuff Happens”. Fortunately, the UK planners were on hand to assist

As the war in Iraq draws to a close, plans for the rebuilding of the country are being drawn up with the UK promising to deliver “the best of British” design, manufacture and management to vital Iraq services.

Claire Short, the International Development Minister, promised that the finest British expertise was being made ready to help get the country back on its feet. Civil service masterminds are already reviewing the transport infrastructure and have spotted several areas for improvement. A report highlights the “alarming number of potholes” in the Baghdad streets and “the sudden disappearance into large craters of several primary rail lines. These could well become a health hazard if left unattended as well as being likely to delay commuter traffic.”

The report also reveals the shocking state of the water services, commenting that the majority of Iraqis they have interviewed seem to exhibit “poor personal hygiene” and were in need of a “damn good wash. Don’t these people know how to use the bathroom?” Other utilities are also in a bad way, according to the survey with the authors mentioning that “the hotel air conditioning was at best intermittent, the mini-bar appeared to contain no alcohol and the swimming pool wasn’t much to write home about, either.”

In order to remedy these issues, the report puts forward a plan that would aim to get the country’s infrastructure “up to a level of quality that any British person would recognise within the next 30 years.” It proposes an ambitious set of targets, a phased privatisation programme and set of public-private partnerships. It also promotes a long series of consultations with local Iraqi resident’s groups and a number of investigations by Steering Committees to ensure that aid money is not being wasted.

Other initiatives include a comprehensive review of the branch line system for optimum commuter usage “especially for fleeing Iraqi citizens who complained that few trains stopped at convenient air-raid bunkers”, a study into the feasibility of congestion charging “particularly in times of invasion, when traffic appeared to grind to a halt” and a full scale overhaul of the facilities at Baghdad international airport which “seem more appropriate to a military installation and unlikely to attract essential package tourists.”

The UK will also export “a plethora of quality goods” to help ease Iraqi suffering, according to Ms. Short. These will include “top of the range Amstrad computers, a fleet of sought after vehicles such as this recently refurbished Austin Allegro and that pinnacle of British achievement, the Millennium Dome, just as soon as Lord Falconer can remember where he left the key.” Charity clothing collections have also yielded an impressive array of thermal vests, bobble hats and unmatched socks to help Iraqis cope with any sudden cold snaps which, Ms Short reminded the press, “can happen when those summer evenings get very chilly”. The aid will also include the finest British cuisine including Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney Puddings, Tynebrand Pie Fillings and Bernard Matthews Premium Turkey Nuggets. However suppliers have reluctantly agreed to withdraw pork faggots from the menu “to show sensitivity for local Muslim beliefs and stop our aid workers getting the shit kicked out of them if they offer one to any US servicemen.”

In return for this help, former Iraqi Health Minister Tariq Al-Barquat has promised to reciprocate by sending a team of own experts to the UK. “We have seen the terrible state of your hospitals and are sure we can help get them to the same standard enjoyed by our Iraqi ones. After all the help you’ve given us in the last few weeks, it seems the least we could do.”