Author’s note: As I sit at home in the middle of the COVID lockdown this seems rather prescient. Prof Ferguson confidently predicted that SARS would wipe out humans, as he did with COVID. I suspect neither prediction will be correct and in a few years we will look back at this period open mouthed about how we could be so foolish. Or maybe not.

Scientists valiantly battled today with the epidemic of death and destruction caused by SARS and governments promised to devote the maximum resources to stopping the spread of the latest killer virus “dead in its tracks”

UK Health Minister, Alan Milburn, dressed from head to foot in protective isolation suit and speaking via a freshly disinfected megaphone, promised that this “calvacade of catastrophe” would now be at the top of the Government’s health spending commitments. “We urge people not to panic, stay in their homes and abstain from all physical contact until this nightmare is over.” As cancer-screening clinics were hastily converted to emergency SARS centres and operations throughout the country were cancelled to allow for the influx of hordes of critically ill virus victims, the Government confirmed plans for its “compulsory inoculation strategy”

Although the precise nature of the SARS virus is still unknown, the Government has demanded action from the medical community and assigned key civil service managers to assist in defining the strategy. “It’s related to the common cold, so we must be able to cure it,” confirmed Mr. Milburn. “As such, we shall be trying every known cold cure and carefully monitoring its affect on the virus. I myself have already been injected with Lemsip, my wife has been trialling the Alker-Seltzer vaccine and I have requested that my Mother-in Law check the efficacy of the Ex-Lax Super Strength antigen, which I recognise is on the boundaries of viral research, but it has to be worth a try. With this sensible balanced response and via a process of elimination, I am sure we will find a cure quickly.”

Despite these efforts, reported outbreaks of the SARS are increasing. A 15 car pile up on the M11 was linked to the virus after a driver was heard sneezing into his mobile phone before his car careered across three lanes into the path of a juggernaut being driven by a man nearing the end of his 13 hour shift. A mystery outbreak of death at an old peoples home in Barnsley is claimed to be “almost certainly due to SARS”, although doctors are also considering the “remote possibility” that the 4 octogenarians may have succumbed to other causes. Most worryingly, a 300% increase in workers signing off sick from work with a “bad case of the sniffles” during the warmest April on record has led doctors to believe that the virus maybe spreading far more rapidly than previously thought.

Drug companies have promised to react swiftly to meet the threat posed by SARS. GlaxoSmithKline has already re-launched its Beecham’s Powders Cold Remedy as Anti-SARS Beecham’s Powders at £50 per sachet and promises to spend “many millions of pounds” on Doctor education campaigns in the Seychelles. Alternative health practitioners have also turned their attention to the epidemic, with the Oswestry Herbal Healing Practice offering chanting, stretching and karmic hugging as a way of warding of infection.

Within China, however, the authorities have already managed to control the outbreak via the novel process of “not talking about it”. Government spokesman Liu Jianchao pointed out that the number of SARS victims had fallen from “zero to minus 15, give or take a few”. On being asked to explain how a negative number of people could be infected Mr. Jianchao simply smiled enigmatically and commented that “we have a large negative number of people also living in our labour camps”

Author’s note: I rather like the idea that when we eventually decode a message from space, it turns out to be spam.

SETI, the Search for Extra Terrestrial Life, has confirmed that a preliminary analysis of radio transmissions from space has revealed a number coded messages which SETI has been able to translate and which appear to confirm the existence of lifeforms with “some sort of intelligence”

An excited Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush, SETI group leader and emeritus Professor of Screensavers at Oxford University, confirmed that this was likely to prove “the most remarkable discovery of our age”, adding “Does anyone have the address of the Nobel prize committee?”

Professor Hackenbush, now trying on an Ermine robe “just in case. You can’t be too careful who might drop by nowadays”, went on to explain how the SETI system worked. The original plan had been to use the “idle time” from home and office computers to decode radio transmissions via a screen saver. This was then piloted on a target audience of “likely alien advocates” including Star Trek fans, pornography users and “friendless, beardy geeks”. Unfortunately, this group of users, whilst very keen, left their PC’s so rarely that after 6 months operation on 400,000 computers, the project had only managed to decode one transmission that turned out to be a misdirected CB radio message about a hold-up on the M1 near Barnsley.

Professor Hackenbush, then adopted an alternative strategy whereby the screensaver showed favourite clips from Star Trek episodes, played the theme from Star Wars and interlaced it with occasional pictures of hard-core pornography. This led to an immediate uplift in the processing time, although several subscribers collapsed in frustration at not being able to use their computers for fear of missing the infamous “group orgy featuring Captain Kirk, Lieutenant Uhuru and 14 well-endowed Klingons.”

Professor Hackenbush, now idly musing over his entry for Who’s Who, then went on to reveal that the first message had been interpreted by SETI some time ago but they decided to keep quiet because they weren’t sure what to make of it. The transmission read: “Instant diplomas! Guaranteed, 100% genuine. Available from Betelgeuse Tech., Sirius Poly and De Montfort University.”

The same message has been received well over a million times since then, although not as often as the next one: “Hi, I’m a cute single celled life-form. If you’d like to watch me and some of my bouncy friends divide then why not log onto our web-cam!”

A third message: “Are you a male Quagorg? Would you like to increase the length of your tentacles? Contact our clinic for details,” has been taken on by Professor Hackenbush personally to research.

Professor Hackenbush was able to confirm that the project had to be temporarily halted after the final message – “Lonely Earth-trek fan, fully hermaphrodite, seeks like minded life-form to compare memorabilia, maybe more” had resulted in so many responses from the SETI community that the system had “completely broken down”

Author’s note: Budget day and a bit of silliness

Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, has announced that his budget will contain a host of new taxes to support the funding of the war, the rebuilding of the country’s transport infrastructure, the national health service, the new conservatory for his house, his mate Barry’s liposuction and “anything else I bloody well like.”

Mr Brown made the announcement unexpectedly during his budget speech. The speech started in the usual way with repeated references to prudence, the need for fiscal rectitude and tedious revenue projections. However, after several hours of speaking and repeated sips from the traditional budget glass of whisky, Mr. Brown dropped his prepared speech and seemed to lose interest in his current topic.

It was at this point that Mr. Brown, now freely draining a litre bottle of ‘Awd McAllister’s Finest Scotch Mist’, announced his set of new taxes. These included a tax on anyone who disagrees with the war, a tax on Prime Minister’s who refuse to step down after six years and a tax on anyone who mentions the Euro. Mr. Brown, now warming to his theme and attempting to intravenously attach the bottle to his arm, then went onto announce further “revenue improvement strategies” including removing “freedom” of speech and instituting a “pay per vowel” system.

Iain Duncan Smith then intervened but was immediately subject to a “looking at me in a funny way” levy by Mr. Brown, who was now addressing his speech to the “large, pink rabbit sitting in the corner of the chamber.” As Mr Duncan Smith complained that he would be unable to pay the “million-billion pounds” demanded by Mr Brown, several Labour MP’s tried to manhandle the Chancellor to the ground. However, they backed off when they were warned that any such moves would mean that their constituents would be targets for the new “Poor people tax” which Mr. Brown was about to announce.

Mr Brown continued with further announcements including the “noisy sex tax” for anyone engaging in noisy sexual acts, at which point he looked pointedly at the Prime Minister. This was enthusiastically endorsed by David Blunkett who would be “personally policing” the enforcement of the levy using his new nation-wide set of domestic CCTV cameras and listening devices that he was planning to announce.

The Chancellor was able to confirm that there would be certain exemptions to the new taxes. These included the “Gordon indemnity” for anyone named Gordon, the “essential services exclusion” for anyone fulfilling a role of national importance, “such as a Chancellor of the Exchequer” and the “Scottish people living in London rebate” which would provide a set of grants and refunds for impoverished Scotsmen living in sheltered accommodation in or around Westminster.

The clearly exhausted Chancellor then weaved unsteadily back to his seat on the front bench and sat down, demanding that the Prime Minister “budge up a bit”. Michael Howard then stood up to reply on behalf of the opposition, but sat down again after realising that his 3000 word response would cost him over seven thousand pounds, commenting that “the Conservative Party didn’t have that kind of cash on it.”

Author’s note: This was my friend Jonathan Selby’s idea. I wrote it up, but Tom immediately declared it to trivialise a desperate situation and it was never published.

Shocked commentators around the world expressed horror at the revelation that the Iraqi regime was an elaborate Internet myth, perpetrated by misunderstanding and gullible computer users.

As the US and its allies launched total all-out annihilation of the Iraqi regime, the clues that the regime itself may not actually exist mounted to become overwhelming evidence. It now appears that although Saddam Hussein was President of Iraq, he fled the country with his family shortly after the start of the first Gulf war. His last actions on leaving were to switch the “Out of Office” response on his Outlook e-mail system to reply “Fuck you Bush!” to any incoming e-mails and tell the local television company to “keep re-running my broadcasts about the US. Especially that one about ‘The Great Satan’ where I was looking particularly Presidential”

After Saddam fled, Iraq installed a liberal democracy and claims to be one of the most progressive Arab states, offering equal rights for women and a constitution enshrining fundamental freedoms of speech, protest and protection from discrimination. They are also believed to be the only country in the world to have elected an openly gay President who shares his palace with his partner, Clive, and holds regular parties for his subjects.

Unfortunately, after the first Gulf war, the US immediately lost interest in Iraq and sporadic e-mails from the UN to demand the installation of weapons inspectors would be met with the same response. “Every few months we’d have another go,” explained UN Chief Weapon’s Inspector Hans Blix. “We’d e-mail Saddam with a long list of demands and every time he’d reply ‘Fuck you Bush’. Then you’d see him pop up on television, ranting about the Great Satan and we just assumed he was going off on one again.”

In reality, Saddam fled to the UK where he shaved off his moustache, changed his name to Stan Houston and became a landscape gardener. His regular appearances on Gardeners Question Time and his specialist knowledge of weedkillers and pest control have built him a large following amongst the middle classes. He spoke to the Brains Trust earlier today, claiming “I keep telling everyone I am really Saddam Hussein former President of Iraq and there’s been a terrible misunderstanding. But they just tap their nose, wink and say ‘That Stan, eh? He’s a real caution.’ It’s really fucking irritating.”

His sons Uday and Qusay, now known as Darryl, a yoga instructor, and Kevin, an avuncular pub landlord agreed, adding that they were particularly disappointed that their charity work has gone unrecognised. “We raised over £400 for Comic Relief this year with my sponsored pork scratching supper evening,” claimed Darryl. “But all you ever hear about is snuff videos, eye-gouging and torture. Hasn’t everyone done a few things in their youth that they regret?”

As the reality of the situation became apparent, the US vowed to carry on the invasion of Iraq as “they had to try their new military hardware out somewhere” but acknowledged that they would need to find a new world figure to demonise for the American news networks. It is unclear who will be selected, however the authorities are keen to interview Mr Oswald Binlander of Tamworth.

Author’s note: It occured to me that the role of war artists might be somewhat different in the television age.

The Government confirmed today that it was following tradition and appointing a number of war artists to commemorate the great Gulf War in song, verse and image.

“The Government has always been keen to invoke traditions that help us communicate with the public and stir up a feeling of national pride – especially if they don’t cost very much” explained Minster of Culture, Media and Sport Tessa Jowell. Ms. Jowell went onto confirm that as it was expected that this war was likely to be a lot shorter than previous heroic victories, it was decided to employ a new generation of artists working with new media who could “finish their stuff a lot quicker”. This would also reflect current contemporary styles and the “shorter attention span” of today’s generation.

Ms. Jowell then introduced the newly appointed war poet, John Hegley who has already begun work on his “epic limerick cycle – ‘There once was a chap in Baghdad'”. Mr Hegley expects the limerick to span several verses and will cover the pathos, triumph and tragedy that a war carries with it – as well as providing an amusing couplet on Saddam’s misadventures in a punt. “I’ve already started work on the piece,” he confirmed. “Although I’ve got stuck at finding a rhyme for anthrax. Tampax almost works but I’m keen to avoid product names”

For the visual arts the Government has enlisted the services of war artist Rolf Harris. It is anticipated that Mr. Harris’ skills in rapid painting will be useful in capturing fleeing Iraqis or the split-seconds between a daisy cutter bomb exploding and it totally destroying a village. It is also felt that Mr. Harris’ time on Animal Hospital will have acclimatised him to scenes of tragedy as pitifully injured members and friends of a family are bought in for treatment, prior to being put down.

The Government has not restricted itself entirely to traditional media, however. It has also commissioned a number of new works from the visual arts, including television. New programmes include “What not to bomb” with Trinny and Susannah and “Changing Regimes”, in which Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and Carol Smillie suggest makeovers for current despotic dictatorships whereby they agree to sell their oil to the West, not to bomb their neighbours and fit out their presidential palaces with lovely, lovely chintz.

Finally, from the world of music the Government has employed Harrison Birtwhistle to write an atonal, arhythmic war symphony. Commenting on the decision, Ms Jowell explained that even if the symphony did not meet public approval, they could always play it at full volume in Baghdad and use it to “scare the Hell out of Saddam.”

Author’s note: The invasion still hadn’t started but what was the government to do with all those annoying Peaceniks?

The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, put emergency legislation before Parliament today reintroducing conscription for certain “key members of the public” including “peaceniks, lefties, Daily Mirror journalists and members of the Liberal Democrats”

Mr. Blair claimed that conscription was necessary to fulfil various essential duties “on the front line, in the back office and especially in the latrines.” Papers are already being served on “key professions” and a number of personnel have already been assigned to units ready for action. “Most of those chosen can’t wait to get stuck in,” explained Mr. Blair. “Of course, there’s a lot of blubbing and pleading when we first tell them, but as soon as the sedative/LSD inoculation kicks in, they’re as keen as mustard gas.”

Geoff Hoon, the Defence Secretary, explained that he had been so moved by Charles Kennedy’s offer of “full moral support” for our troops that he has allowed him to provide it personally by stationing him on the front line with the infamous SAS “Kill 99” division. It is believed that Mr. Kennedy will lead a “Distraction Unit” within the SAS, responsible for drawing enemy fire. Major-General Douglas “Doggo” Davies explained that Mr. Kennedy will be taken blindfolded to the front line, stationed in front of the Iraqi troops, at which point the blindfold will be removed. “We are sure the sight of a terrified, carrot-topped boy-scout screaming for his mummy and running around like a greyhound with his arse on fire is bound to attract the attention of the Iraqi Presidential Guard. And those guys are armed to the teeth, I wouldn’t want my SAS lads having to take them on without some sort of diversion.”

The Brains Trust also managed to speak briefly to a surprised looking Robin Cook, recently promoted Commander-in-Chief of the Chemical Weapons Detection unit, manfully clutching an unloaded revolver, military cane and rather sickly canary. He told us, “Look, don’t these people know a joke when they hear one? Anyone could see I had my fingers crossed when I made that speech in the Commons. And how was I to know that starting my speech with my favourite Saddam jokes would go down so badly?” Mr. Cook then led his battalion of conscripts onto the recently recommissioned “almost certainly fully working” Tiger-Moth plane, wearing the traditional uniform of “full strait jacket and restraining harness” and carried aloft on the ceremonial “stretcher of victory”

As Chris Smith, Ken Clark and several hundred Liberal Democrats, Guardian readers and University lecturers were loaded onto commandeered cross-channel Ferries, a spokesman confirmed that Claire Short had been reassigned from her original post of “Baghdad Attack Force – Catapult Officer” to become the chief WREN responsible for “Prime Ministerial catering support.” The spokesman also confirmed that, unusually, the conscription would extend to other nationalities and that Mr. Blair was personally looking forward to greeting Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroder in their new role as “Daisycutter pilots.” Mr Blair is reported to have got a made to measure seat for both of them ready on the first bombs to be launched.

Author’s note: It turned out that Robert Robinson hadn’t hosted Call my bluff for several decades and Frank Muir was dead.

Supreme Allied Punmeister-in-Chief and Absolute Countdown Commander Generalissimo Richard Whiteley announced the breakdown in diplomacy and imminent invasion of the Call my Bluff studios and ‘their evil tyrant dictator’ Robert Robinson, today. “How much longer can this despot be allowed to hold onto his letters of mass destruction?” quizzed Whiteley. “How can we believe anything this maniac says, when it has been conclusively proved that only one in every three answers is the truth? And what of the evil scientists and intellectuals he parades on his ‘Brain of Britain’ show? No, we here at Countdown have said ‘enough is enough’. We shall ignore the Blankety-Blank veto and seek the overthrow of this evil regime. I’ll have three consonants, 4 vowels and a daisy cutter tactical missile, thank you, Carol.”

Author’s note: A mean spirited and horrible article pointing out that Africa probably didn’t need lots more aid but actually other things might help

The grateful continent of Africa gave thanks to the larrikins and jesters of the United Kingdom yesterday as poverty, famine and disease were wiped out in a single day by the “biggest ever celebration of quality comedy material, God save us all” Comic Relief.

Umo Mbatale of the Congo confirmed that her 7-week-old baby, who had perished from dehydration, had been miraculously bought back to life when Billy Connolly appeared and brushed her with his magic beard of comedy. “I knew they lied when they said that powdered baby milk was bad for my baby” explained a delighted Ms Mbatale, proudly sporting a hilarious hairy red nose and preparing to jump into a vat of cold Bird’s custard, thoughtfully supplied by Nestle. “Just because I can’t read, they think I’m stupid. Those nice western people explained to me how much better the powdered milk was than my breast milk, and I mixed it with just the right quantity of river water. How happy I am that Saint Billy came and made everything well again.

Within South Africa, an ecstatic President Thabo Mbeke surrounded by thousands of recently cured AIDS victims confirmed that Comic Relief confirmed what he knew all along – that AIDS was all in the mind. “We don’t need access to fancy foreign drugs when all these people needed was to get out of their beds and laugh it off. And thanks to top-quality madcap japester Vic Reeves, that’s exactly what they’ve been able to do!” Joaquim Chissano, President of Mozambique agreed adding that the last thing the continent wanted now was free trade and access to western markets. “Those anti-globalisation protestors are right. What we want is lots more trade barriers and tarrifs to help us boost our economy and make our people self-sufficient. That and Dawn French paying us a visit. I just love the ‘Vicar of Dibley’ and I like my women big, if you know what I mean!”

Across Africa reports of crops miraculously springing up from drought-ridden fields and delighted natives dancing in the first rain for 5 years flooded in. In the UK Cholmondley Tarrant-Berkley of the National Farmers Union, sporting a head recently shaved with an amusing caricature of Sven Goran-Eriksonn, promised the unstinting support of Western farmers in helping their African counterparts. He explained that farmers would do “everything in their power” to carry on organising sponsored journeys across Europe in motorised baths filled with cold baked beans. “And one day, in the next decade or two, we may even look into allowing these poor, wretched black people to sell their produce over here without slapping a 100% levy on it,” he explained. “Who knows, by the next century we may even have reduced some of the essential subsidies paid to keep us western farmers off of the breadline,” he added stepping into his new Ferrari two-seater convertible combine harvester.

However Richard Curtis, one of the main organisers of Comic Relief hit out at critics of the event. “It is simply rubbish to say that the only function of Comic Relief is to supply a tiny amount of money to the worlds poorest people and salve our consciences so we feel good, allowing us to forget about making real changes that would really allow these people to lead better lives. I mean, look at what it did to our ratings – we absolutely trounced ITV. Hurrah!”

Author’s note: A brief article on the start of the Iraq invasion

Confused tourist officials in Baghdad confirmed they were “unutterably bewildered” by the mysterious drop in tourists visiting Iraq over the last few days.

“This is usually the peak season for us. We were expecting to be absolutely overwhelmed with tourists this year,” explained Mustapha Maroud, chief Tourism Minister. “The season started well, what with the United Nations tours. There wasn’t a coach, taxi or armoured car to be had anywhere. And those guys were insatiable – you just had to mention a tourist attraction and they wanted to see it. Palaces, military installations, chemical dumps – they were all over the place. And then suddenly they were off, without so much as a goodbye. Of course we’ve still got those peace protestors, mooching around, waving placards and chaining themselves to embassy railings. But they’re all bloody students and they haven’t got any money to spend. We’ve launched a media blitz in the US and we’d been promised that we’d be overrun with Americans pretty soon. But they just haven’t appeared yet. Still it’ll be boom time when they do get here!”

Author’s note: It is a fact that the only way the media can keep your attention is by convincing you that everything is terrible and it’s all someone else’s fault

The streets of the United Kingdom lay strewn with the blood and wreckage of previously unwitnessed malevolence as the country slipped rapidly into anarchy and war. Old alliances were torn down, families turned on one another, and political allegiances were as nought as supporters of the war on Iraq continued their bloody conflict with peace campaigners.

Within the Houses of Parliament different factions took shelter behind upturned green leather benches with snipers and machine gun posts taking “maximum casualties” as both sides made desperate scrambles to catch the speaker’s attention and make a point of order. Previous political groupings were shattered as Old Conservatives and New Labour hurled weighty committee minutes into the centre of clusters of Lib Dems and pro-Euro Tories, who retaliated by launching Ian Paisley into the enemy’s despatch boxes.

In Fleet Street and Wapping armed factions from the Daily Mirror and the Sun formed gangs of militia to storm each other’s printing presses. The papers themselves were heavily biased towards their own positions. The Sun featured a daily Page Three girl playfully bayonetting an Iraqi Asylum Seeker and offered a “Kill and Iraqi and win a Rover” competition. The Daily Mirror revealed recently unearthed evidence of Tony Blair and George Bush’s membership of a bizarre Christian sect who regularly “covered their naked bodies in crude oil” before praying to God to forgive them their sins whilst flagellating each other with knotted leather thongs. A further article also revealed how they watched brutal snuff videos of starving Iraqi children being taunted by corpulent CIA agents disguised as aid-worker laughing and eating their daily rations in front of them.

Elsewhere on the streets of the UK, pitched battles raged between “surrender monkeys” and “warmongers.” Veteran peace campaigner Derek Gadd explained his motivation in taking the campaign to the streets “Sometimes violence is the only way to make yourself understood”, he yelled storming up a pro-war barricade and manfully beating a protester about the head with a “Give Peace a Chance” placard. “We’ve tried to make Tony Blair see sense, to understand that war never solved anything but he just won’t fucking listen. Well, Tony Blair, I say to you ‘We know where you live and we’re coming to get you.’ Now who’s got an A to Z on them?”

However, supporter of the war, Chris Jones, promised no mercy to the pacifists, claiming many of them were pinko-liberals and “probably foreigners to boot” “Where would we be if we’d listened to this sort of appeasement nonsense during the war, eh? I bet this lot sit at home, listening to their subversive rap music and eating foreign food when they should be down the pub, eating a nice plate of steak and kidney pie and enjoying a good old English sing-song. God save the King!”

Meanwhile, reports from around the world indicate that a war may have started in the Middle East.