Author’s note: I couldn’t understand, and still can’t why the US was so determined to annihilate Iraq but let Pakistan off the hook. This article got picked up by some Indian nationalist site and instantly became one of our most popular one. And I finally got my pesky Indian’s gag in there

The United States has issued an apology to Pakistan for the invasion of its sovereign territory by American forces, which the US has put down to “the kind of simple mistake anyone could make.”

The US State Department has explained that the mistake arose over the “ever so slight similarity” between Iraq and Pakistan. Apparently, an enthusiastic junior clerk became confused when his briefing documents identified the “Number One Enemy of Freedom” as an Eastern Muslim state which had invaded a neighbouring country several years ago, was run by a military dictator, harboured and trained Al Qaeda operatives and was in possession of illegal weapons of mass destruction.

“This is the kind of silly misunderstanding that could happen to anyone” explained a department spokesman. “The clerk just jumped to the conclusion that the country must be America’s firmest ally, Pakistan, rather than its deadliest foe, Iraq. Clearly, if he had stopped for a moment to consider the difference between this peace-loving defender of freedom and this war-mongering supporter of terrorism he would have sorted it out in the twinkling of an eye.” On being asked to explain what the precise differences were, the spokesman then remembered that he had left some bacon under the grill and had better rush to stop it burning and even if he hadn’t he was urgently needed elsewhere, immediately.

It is still unclear precisely how a junior clerk was then able to order the entire might of the US Armed Forces to invade Pakistan. However, it has been absolutely denied that the “junior clerk” was actually President Bush and that he was found locked in the Oval Office with his hands on the “nuclear launch joystick” steering the satellite guidance system towards Islamabad. The spokesman did concede however that confusing Baghdad and Islamabad or Pakistan and Palestine was the kind of mistake “any leader of the free world could make. Or junior clerk, obviously”

Further suspicions have been aroused, however, by the discovery of a list of “Criteria of Terrorist Countries” that Mr. Bush has personally drawn up to present to the United Nations. The list, which Mr. Bush has been using himself, would serve to act as an aide memoire for the Security Council to assist them in identifying “Rogue States.” The list identifies “likely terrorist regimes” as countries that are “a long way away and have mainly brown-skinned people who speak funny and have a lot of facial hair. But definitely not Israel.”

Mr. Bush has also expressed a personal apology to Pakistan and has promised to look more favourably on their request for help in “negotiating” with India. “I’m certainly grateful to the Pakistanis for identifying another country harbouring enemies of freedom. Until they pointed them out to me, I thought we’d got rid of those pesky Indians after Custer’s last stand.”

Sidebar – How to identify a rogue state – the George Bush Guide
Country name often ends in “an”
Local people tend to shout a lot
Cavalier use of firearms (NB don’t use this one in Texas)
Hot climate
Their God has a funny name. Alan?
Talk fast
Lack of baseball caps but high percentage of towelling headgear
Can’t hold their liquor
Churches are funny shape
Countries that look a bit terroristy but aren’t – Mexico, Ireland, Israel, Turkey, Saudi Arabia (must check this one)

Author’s note: Saddam offered his condolences on 9-11, which may well have been sincere given he had nothing to do with it

Saddam Hussein announced today that the expressions of sympathy for the US he made just after 9-11 were inappropriate and that he was now withdrawing them. “Frankly, I’m just bloody pissed off with them. Did I ever get any invites to any memorial services? No. I just get a load of weapons inspectors marching around here with not so much as a by-your-leave destroying our missiles. Their President calls me rude names all the time. What have I ever done to him? And did I ever get a thank you for that “In deepest sympathy” card I sent? Did I, buggery. It was a really nice one too, not some cheapie one from the newsagent down the road. Well sod it. And as far as I’m concerned they can have their chemical weapons back, too. They’re all past their use-by date anyway.”

Author’s note. There had to be a reason they couldn’t find WMD in Iraq. Step forward cartoon villain David Copperfield

David Copperfield, the celebrity magician, has been captured and smuggled out of Iraq in a covert operation by the Central Intelligence Agency. The arrest of Mr. Copperfield is claimed by the CIA to explain why the UN weapon’s inspectors have had such little success in finding any of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

“We know that these things have got to be pretty big and we just couldn’t understand why no one could seem to find them,” announced a beaming Colin Powell at a Government press conference. “But this explains everything. This guy can make a jumbo jet disappear with just a large silk canopy, a couple of piercing, beetlebrow stares and a simple wave of his hand. Getting rid of a large number of anthrax-laden warheads and a couple of nuclear reactors would be child’s play. I tell you, I’ve watched his video loads of times and I still can’t figure out how he does it”

Mr Powell also reminded his audience how Mr. Copperfield could “walk on thin air” which was clearly in contravention of the Iraqi no-fly zone. Furthermore, his abilities at mind control and “guess the card” tricks would enable him to stay one step ahead of the UN inspectors. His record in dating a German model and ability to speak French has also been held as evidence of his complicity.

Claims that Mr. Copperfield was actually at home in Manhattan asleep in bed when he was seized have been strongly denied by the CIA. However, the brief glimpse of Mr Copperfield dressed in silk pyjamas and a large hairnet whilst being herded onto a plane destined for Guantanamo Bay reinforced this view. Mr Powell was adamant, though, that the arrest of Mr Copperfield was a clear victory in the war on terrorism. He also explained that his detention in an offshore island without any access to legal representation or the media was simply to ensure that he “couldn’t try any of his slippery magic tricks to escape”. “He has already asked for a large glittery wardrobe for his room, but were not falling for that one. He’d just have to step inside it, there’d be a puff of smoke and he’d be off,” nodded Mr. Powell knowingly.

Mr. Powell also confirmed that the US is already looking at exploiting the magician’s techniques themselves. David Blaine has been hired to make George Bush invisible and thereby avoid assassination attempts – a move that has already been widely welcomed across Europe. Initial trials by Mr. Blaine have had some success in making the leadership of the Democrats shrink to the size of pygmies before disappearing. Attempts by Paul Daniels, the English magician, to mount a similar operation on Iain Duncan Smith backfired when it was found that Mr. Duncan Smith was already totally invisible and, after casting the spell, Mr. Daniels’ career completely disappeared.

Other countries are also starting to look into using similar plans. France has hired some voodoo priests from its former African colonies to stick pins in effigies of Tony Blair, whilst Mr. Blair has asked his cabinet to study videos of the Amazing Randi, so that they can try and turn stroppy backbenchers into white rabbits or a bunch of coloured streamers. However, Israel is attempting the most ambitious strategy by hiring Uri Geller to try and make Palestine completely disappear.

Author’s note: The Brit awards are actually quite swanky now. They weren’t in 2003

Furious organisers of the Brit Awards lashed out at claims that they had been forced to economise on the awards by the downturn in UK music industry fortunes caused by bootleg CD’s, pirated downloads and “the complete and utter crap that passes for pop music nowadays.”

Speaking on behalf of the British Phonographic Industry, Chris Jones, furiously rebutted accusations that the Brits were a cut-price version of the Grammies, with less stars, shoddier acts and much poorer quality hor’deurves. “The Brits, like the BAFTA’s, can stand shoulder to shoulder with our American cousins. Just look at the glittery venue and host of stars on offer tonight and tell me this isn’t entertainment of the highest quality,” said Mr. Jones brandishing a video of several stars who were unable to attend the evening’s ceremony “for reasons of being exceptionally busy doing other things somewhere else”

However, despite Mr. Jones’ assurances, both attendees and television viewers expressed surprise at the change of venue from the top London hotel used last year to a school hall in Bognor but this was explained away as being essential to maintain security. The fantastic opening laser display and light show of previous years was also replaced by Cliff Richard juggling two torches and then using them to point out the emergency exits. Mr. Richard was then seen to don a fluorescent jacket with “Fire Steward” written on it and stand in the wings clutching a fire extinguisher.

As the show then started properly, the two awards presenters, Katie Boyle and Bruce Forsyth, then leapt onto the stage. Announcing the first award they inserted Mr. Jones’ tape into the state-of-the-art Amstrad video player to show controversial rapper Eminem refusing to accept a small plastic figurine from an apparently pleading Mr. Jones. However, the precise nature of the award was difficult to detect as the video played at double speed with no sound.

As further stars sped past the audience on video, the evening moved on to what Mr. Jones described as “the finest cuisine money can buy” repeatedly assuring the diners that “Spam is de rigeur at all fashionable night-spots, nowadays.” However, by the time coffee was served many guests laid aside their Bird’s trifle and Malteser petit-fours and stormed out.

We spoke to stylish music industry executive Derek Gadd who complained that even some of the videos appeared to have been pirated. “That George Michael video was clearly bogus. He looked nothing like the bloke from ‘Wham!’, what with that ridiculous moustache and sideburns – he could have been some sort of steaming great poofter. And he hadn’t even bothered to learn the right lyrics. What was all that nonsense about ‘stop the war’, I don’t remember that featuring in ‘Club Tropicana’. And who was that dozy cow singing with him. She didn’t look anything like Pepsi or Shirley. You’d have thought if the were going to hire Karaoke lookalikes they could have got some decent ones”

However, one so-called economy measure has turned out to be a false-alarm when a plastic show room dummy dressed in a black suit and white gloves turned out to be Michael Jackson.

Author’s note: Congestion charging began on the same days as Red Nose day, and I wrote an article that Tom declared “very good indeed”. A fantastic pun (Bet-rail) and, most interestingly of all, Julia Bell is now my wife

Ken Livingstone has hailed as a success the launch of his “Red C day” a charity event featuring clowning, buffoonery and world-class tom-foolery based around a hilariously ironic “integrated transport scheme”

The Red C day was conceived by Mr. Livingstone to provide a light-hearted way of gathering money from the public for much needed special projects. He explained on its launch that it would combine a mix of “comedy donations” and “joke fines” which would be used to collect money for his newly announced “Save the Ken” re-election fund. However, the money would also be going to several other worthy causes, explained Mr. Livingstone. “Many hardworking politicians are literally starving to death in the GLA. We must do everything we can to alleviate the suffering caused by this dreadful combination of famine and drought. Nowhere in this benighted city can you find a decent bottle of Pouilly Fumé or a single mouthful of langoustine au beurre de mélisse. How long can civilised people allow this outrage to continue?”

Red C day itself was marked by the display of a variety of red C paraphernalia including large red symbols painted on roads, massive road signs and a blitzkrieg of adverts highlighting the special charity event. Thousands of workers in offices and shops joined in the fun by appearing on camera in a new game show called “Beat the Snooper” whereby they either come into work using a variety of comedy vehicles or else pay a toll or fine. “I’m just doing my part to help Ken” explained magazine editor Julia Bell as she bounced down the Hampstead Road on her newly purchased Louis Vuitton space-hopper.

However, Derek Gadd complained that the opening day had been boring and the promised larks and shenanigans had not materialised. “We expected to see hundreds grid-locked luvvies taking part in ‘beat the camera stunts’ – you know attempting to launch themselves across the Thames using jet powered Hillman Imps, or furious actresses chaining themselves naked to Tower Bridge. But what did we get? Iain Duncan Smith mooching around with a load of whining butchers at Smithfield? At least they could have laid on some proper stars like Jim Davidson or Harold Pinter. I ask you. Is this what I pay my licence fee for?

However Mr Livingstone defended the launch pointing to a myriad of special events put on to coincide with Red C day. An army of clown-buses chained together so they can only travel in groups of three whilst randomly deciding whether to stop for passengers, sped around the deserted City roads. Satirical time-tables promised tubes and trains galore whilst offering the maximum number of cancelled trains, routes under repair and decommissioned escalators.

Mr. Livingstone also pointed to ambitious plans for the new cross-London rail-link – Bet-Rail. “Sure, we told everyone it stood for Better Rail,” explained a chortling Mr. Livingstone. “But everyone could see it was just a hilarious pun to show commuters the way they’ve been treated.”

Author’s note: As always, France was behaving like a dick. In this case it was becoming increasingly pissed off that other members of the EU showed independence of thought. Anyway, this article got picked up by some US republican website and went through the roof for views

France announced today that it has decided to “rip up every bloody European Treaty and start again” by forming an entirely New European Union (NEU) consisting solely of itself.

The decision was made by President Jacques Chirac after a report by the French Government revealed that the EU was becoming overrun with foreigners “many of whom don’t agree with the French.” The report highlighted the original aims of the European Union that were clearly designed to support French interests, provide subsidies for French Farmers and “stop Germany repeatedly invading us”

France now feels that these ideals have been lost and many countries “expressing no gratitude whatsoever for all we’ve done for them” are now starting to show worrying signs of independence. The enlargement of the EU to include many poor Eastern European countries causes France particular concern, especially their “greedy and unjustifiable” demands for agricultural subsidies which “properly belong to the people of France”.

It is believed that the recent letter of support for the US from many European countries including the UK, Spain, the Czech Republic and Italy was the final straw prompting accusations of the Americanisation of Europe. “When these minor league no-hopers align themselves with an autocratic, imperious, selfish country that thinks only of itself instead of France, it is clear things have gone too far. Their childish and juvenile behaviour marks them out as petulant and infantile,” Mr Chirac exclaimed, after angrily storming out of the latest EU meeting, slamming the door and refusing to come back in unless everybody agreed to “play by his rules.” When the other countries refused, Mr. Chirac employed other diplomatic tactics including holding his breath until he went “bright red”, screaming and screaming until he was sick and rolling around and beating his fists on the floor. When these also failed he then announced the formation of the NEU.

The French are only including themselves in the initial membership of the NEU and are expected to maintain control of all of the decision making bodies and writing all of the treaties, however it is thought to be keen to invite other countries to join in the not too distant future. The countries will expected to meet rigorous selection criteria including “speaking French, hating America and capitulating to every last one of our demands.” However, France has promised that its foreign policy will not be tied down by what bit calls the “outmoded and judgmental promotion of democracy”.

Instead, Jean-Pierre Raffarin, Prime Minister of France, claimed that France will use the NEU for “promoting the ideals for which France is justly famous. Liberty to sell arms to whomever we like, fraternity with all people of the world as long as you take our agricultural products and we don’t have to take yours and equality for all French speakers.” In return, it is expected that France will offer a combination of goods and services including access to exceptionally cheap wine, cut-price Nuclear power stations and some of the “best security information NATO has to offer”

Author’s note: There was a lot of chatter about George Bush and Tony Blair being Christians and wondering whether the “prayed together”. I quite liked the idea of treating extreme religiosity as an addiction.

President George Bush, a reformed alcoholic, has confessed in a moving address to the nation that he has swapped “one fix for another” and is now “100% addicted to God.”

Mr. Bush has decided to come clean about his troubles after realising that his dependence on God has now taken over his whole life and influences all of his decisions. “I need to take some time out to get some professional help” he explained. “I do not have responsibility for my own actions anymore. Everything I do is controlled by the craving to get the high that only God can give me.” Mr Bush claims that he has tried to wean himself away from his habit, but finds it impossible when there is temptation on every street corner. “Wherever I go, I can just walk into any church and get my fix. The God dealers are just waiting to welcome you and everything’s available: Jesus, Jehovah, you name it. And it sickens me to say it but they don’t care who they give this stuff to, women, kids, rich poor, just as long as they get you hooked and coming back to put money in their collection plate”

Mr Bush’s addiction is particularly worrying, as God has been conclusively proved over a number of years to lead its victims into violence, unwanted pregnancies and poverty. Mr. Bush himself has already started to show classic symptoms of paranoia and violence seen in other God addicts. He frequently invokes God when launching into intemperate and bellicose arguments and uses God to justify acts of assault or murder

Godwatch, the God addiction charity, believes that Mr Bush’s problems may simply be the tip of the iceberg. It feels that many of today’s world leaders share a similar addiction to various forms of God and this could lead to turf wars as groups of addicts try to establish their dominance in another’s patch. Godwatch also points out that it is all too easy for the powerful to get their hands on and abuse pure religion. “All it takes is money and you can buy yourself any religion,” reports their spokesperson Karen Hart. “The problem is before they know it, the religion has taken over and they are unable to control their habit. Sure they usually start on the soft stuff – a weekly visit to a church or mosque for social religion taking, the odd prayer or two. But then before you know it, they’re issuing fatwas or launching crusades.”

Groups including scientists and philosophers have been looking for some time now to create a God-substitute that could be used to wean addicts away from their habit. Their latest efforts to produce a so-called Grand Unified Theory made up of moral philosophy, evolution and mathematics have been disappointing so far though. Users have reported that a single hit of God is a simpler, quicker way to get high and that the GUT requires too much effort.

However, George Bush has promised to persevere with the treatment just as soon as he has attended “one more prayer meeting, for old times sake”

Author’s note: Congestion charging was about to start and Ken Livingstone was still the gift that keeps on giving

Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London, has announced additional measures to ensure that anti congestion mechanisms will be effective in the UK’s capital and that, if necessary, extreme measures can be invoked to ensure the reduction of traffic using “all available force”

Dressed in combat fatigues, tin helmet and sporting a vast array of medals, Mr Livingstone announced that London would be looking to adopt the most aggressive stance possible against “congestion and the causes of congestion”. He explained that even though the Greater London Authority had erected a vast array of surveillance cameras that would monitor every vehicle travelling into the capital, it was clear that a large number of motorists were seeking ways to avoid congestion charging. Mr Livingstone confirmed that he would be taking personal responsibility for ensuring that they were brought to justice. “I am the law” he announced, toying playfully with a large Magnum 44.

Mr. Livingstone continued, “Even before congestion charging is introduced, we have become aware of people seeking to dupe the system by smothering their number plates with mud, employing sophisticated radar jamming equipment and – most frightening of all – walking, cycling or using public transport. This kind of behaviour will not be tolerated and I have immediately ordered additional security measures to stop it in its tracks.”

Mr Livingstone’s “Zero Tolerance, Zero Travellers” policy will come into force forthwith and uses several new techniques to discourage “cars, motorbikes, pedestrians and anyone else likely to clog up my route to work.” Initial measures will include upgrading the “ring of steel” surrounding the City of London with watch towers and sub-machine gun posts, converting the North and South Circular to a gigantic shark infested moat and stationing pearly Kings and Queens at all major access points to terrify unfortunate visitors with a couple of choruses of “Roll out the Barrel.”

In the unlikely event that these measure prove ineffective and a number of unwary commuters still mange to break through, Mr. Livingstone has indicated that he will go even further. Battalions of seek and destroy traffic warden death squads armed with the latest high-tech weaponry are being trained to issue cluster bomb parking tickets. Ninja attack units have been instructed to deliver “death chops” to errant cyclists and joggers and satellite guided star wars lasers are being loaned from the US military to remove lorries and vans, although initial trials have only succeeded in destroying 13 mosques and large parts of the Periphique in Paris.

In the event of all these measures failing, Mr. Livingstone has employed a final backstop position by building a “dirty bomb” that can be launched from within the confines of the former County Hall. The bomb will contaminate a conveniently congestion zone sized area ensuring that the centre of London will be unapproachable for the next fifty years. “Unless” explained Mr. Livingstone, “You have had the foresight to have invested your taxpayers money in an “EeZee Walk” anti-radiation suit and lead insulation throughout your central London apartment”

Author’s note: This still seems rather a good idea

The Government has launched a radical new plan for reforming the House of Lords after its current proposals became mired in political infighting. The new plan seeks to tackle the thorny issue of the selection of qualified candidates as well removing a huge threat to world peace by offering peerages to some of the world’s vilest dictators.

The plan was introduced by the current Leader of the House of Lords, Lord Williams of Mostyn, who hailed it as a “master-stroke” offering a solution to two of the most vexing – and majority threatening – problems in the world today. Lord Williams pointed out that the plan should have a very short lead-time as dictators would immediately feel at home in the Lords. “It is a fantastically opulent environment, offering round the clock waitering, the finest food and drink -all massively subsidised – and the opportunity to make up any laws you see fit without ever having to go to the bother of an election or the pretence of representation.” Lord Williams also pointed out that by providing some of the world’s worst dictators with a safe-haven, the Government would be removing a threat to world peace whilst ensuring that they have no affect on life in Britain as “the House of Commons will just do what it always does and ignore the stupid old sods”.

In addition to the ease of integration by the dictators into the Lords, it is also felt that the dictators themselves have many of the attributes familiar to the second chamber. Karen Hart, of the pressure group Dictatorwatch, explained that just like the Lords, dictators were an unelected, autocratic minority who performed no useful function and lived a life a luxury at the expenses of their subjects. “There is practically a 100% overlap in their job descriptions,” she explained. “It is also true that the majority of dictators are completely mad and hand over their position of power to a similarly insane first-born son. Frankly, the similarities are starting to scare me.”

However, there are reports of teething troubles during the first sitting of the new House. Lord Saddam of Fylingdales immediately declared all of the seats surrounding his as his own sovereign territory and laid down on top of them refusing to move and threatening to set fire to them if he was ejected. Archbishop Mugabe hogged all of the buffet lunch, refusing to let anyone but his own assistants (or Lord-veterans, as he referred to them) sit at any of the tables. Most perturbingly, Chief Justice Kim Jong-il was involved in a heated debate with Lady Milosoveic at the end of which he threatened to launch a portable nuclear periwig which he had smuggled into the chamber.

The Government is confident that these difficulties can be ironed out and is already looking at plans to extend the reach of the new chamber. Initial ideas are believed to include offering minor peerages to lesser dictators or corrupt democrats. The Government is also keen to extend the remit beyond the Lords and into the Royal Family itself. King George W the Junior is said to be considering the offer.

Author’s note: The space shuttle Columbia blew up in February 2003 adding to the general sense of gloom and foreboding, and also immediately creating yet another new conspiracy theory.

Conspiracy theorists have angrily denied any involvement in the Columbia disaster denouncing the allegations as part of a sinister plot to undermine their theories on the twin towers, Kennedy assassination and the most recent presidential election.

The shadowy reports state that a group of disaffected conspiracy theorists caused the explosion in order to generate a completely new area on which they can produce poorly researched pseudo-scientific articles, crank theories and massive sweeping generalisations. Speaking on behalf of “Behind you!” the international conspiracy theorists organisation, Melvyn Strange, claimed that ominous Government forces were at work behind the rumours. However, Mr Strange did accept that conspiracy theories have been under pressure for some time now. “Whilst it’s true that since Sept 11th world events have rather overtaken even our most paranoid blatherings, with reality proving more bizarre than fiction, the conspiracy industry has continued to generate a steady stream of highly implausible, tenuously supported hypotheses that still command an impressive amount of internet bandwidth. To claim that we masterminded the Columbia explosion simply to generate fertile new ground for a new set of crackpot ideas is ludicrous”

Despite Mr. Strange’s denial, the internet is already buzzing with theories concerning the disaster. Blurred photo’s purporting to be from the Shuttle cockpit appeared on the Conservative Christian website “Muslim Commie Childrapers” and show the Captain of the vessel desperately wrestling with Osama Bin Laden. The Anti-Capitalism alliance “Poor people hate money” claims that the crash was not caused by terrorists, but that the arch-Republican astronauts jettisoned their own ship rather than land at Cape Kennedy. The Global Jewish Conspiracy website claims that the Israeli astronaut caused the explosion after stealing all of his fellow astronauts money and then loaning it back to them at extortionate interest rates meaning they had to sell off vital equipment to make up the debt repayments. However, a Zionist site, Wewereherefirst.com, claims that the explosion was almost certainly caused by a Palestinian suicide bomber who had secreted himself in the Israeli’s hand luggage.

The Brains Trust spoke to leading conspiracy theorist Graham Hancock who is busy developing a “Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory” linking all major conspiracies including the Pyramids, Jack the Ripper, the moon landings and Lord Lucan into a single seamless whole. “It seems clear to me that the Shuttle disaster was caused by a rebel group of non-aligned theorists who wish to start up their own network of barking mad hypotheses. I am quite certain that this is funded by some sort of secretive Government funded counter intelligence organisation. In fact it may be that they have already secreted themselves into senior Government positions – has anyone else notice how much like Tony Blair looks like David Icke? I mean you never see them in the same room together, do you?”

However, in the US President George Bush denounced the “hysterical rumour mill” that had started in the wake of the tragedy. He explained that the CIA had already identified the likely cause as a “suspicious moustachioed Middle Eastern man answering to the name of Saddam seen lurking near the launch pad” and had already ordered the entire US military to take appropriate remedial action.