Author’s note: I was quite pleased with this – but Tom declared it unoriginal and declined to publish it

Authorities arrested Bill Gates today for the creation and distribution of what they described as “the biggest and most destructive virus the IT world has ever seen.”

The authorities swooped on Mr Gates at his messy Seattle home after an extensive year long investigation into the source of the mysterious virus which started to appear on peoples PC’s in mid 2001. The virus purported to be an “easy to use” operating system that offered the unwary user greatly enhanced facilities over their existing system. Once the user attempted to install it, however, it immediately wiped all previous installations and took several hours before it returned control of the computer to the user, usually after requiring several reboots and the insertion of a “Boot CD” that cunningly did not exist.

From then on, XP showed all of the classic symptoms of a virus. It would allow a PC to operate normally for a period of time, sometimes as long as several hours, before identifying that a crucial task was being performed and crashing the computer. Vital data would be regularly wiped from the hard drive so that it could not be recovered and attempts to recover it would generate screenfuls of random characters. The virus also collected personal information about the user, including credit card and bank details, and forwarded these to the Mr. Gates’ secret headquarters in Seattle. XP also continually installed other related viruses, including ‘Office’, ‘Outlook’ and the infamous ‘Explorer’ regardless of whether these were requested or not. It also aggressively removed other ‘benign’ programs that resided on the PC and may have interfered with it’s own ability to propagate or manage the computer and its relationship to the outside world.

The authorities finally tracked down Mr. Gates after employing a profiling specialist who was able to pinpoint the creator of XP as a frustrated loner, probably with a victimisation phobia and an unreasoning hatred of people with whom he felt in competition, no matter how insignificant they were. “Mr Gates fitted the profile exactly,” explained Detective Hal Burler, the policeman who ultimately made the arrest. “When we collared him, he just kept muttering about the Supreme Court being out to get him and repeating the phrase ‘Kill Linux! Kill Linux’ over and over again.”

Estimates of the damage caused by the XP virus run into billions. “It’s the most widespread virus that has ever affected the computing industry,” confirmed Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush of the Hysterical Overreation Institute. “It has infected both business and home users alike and caused terabytes of lost data, millions of crashed systems and massive amounts of time wasted with fruitless disc scans, reboots and system re-installs.”

Now that the authorities have captured Mr. Gates they are turning their attention to other viruses infecting systems. These are thought to include the infamous Oracle 9i virus, which tempts users to install it with the promise of greater security, better performance and a photo of Anna Kournikova’s bottom but then fills up the entire disc with turgid, unintelligible nonsense described as user manuals. Detective Burler was also keen to find the creator of what he described as “the Mother of all timewasters” known only as “The Internet”

Author’s note: As I have noted elsewhere I was broadly in favour of the Iraq invasion for reason’s outlined in this article. What a naive fool. It is also true that one man’s dictator is another man’s strong leader

A group made up of the world’s most brutal dictatorships has demanded that the US immediately ceases it bellicose threats against Iraq and stops its call for regime change as this could “seriously undermine the future of totalitarian dictators across the whole world”

The statement was made after the group attended a conference convened to discuss the reaction to a possible war with Iraq and suggest alternative measures. “It is clear that removing homicidal tyrants with violence is not the answer,” claimed Robert Mugabe in his conference address. “If we start removing one maniacal despot by force, before you know it they’ll be popping round and turfing all the rest of us out.” Mr Mugabe pointed out that for many years dictators around the world had been ruling via the use of revolutionary justice and a large number of exceptionally big machetes and had received no complaints from anyone. “Now is not the time to rush into things and change all that,” he claimed. “We could be throwing out years of hard-won experience of repression and best practice torture. What we need is a long and careful review of the situation and the widest possible discussion of options for change.”

Many of Iraq’s neighbours also addressed the conference. Syria and Saudi Arabia in a joint speech pointed out that the removal of Saddam Hussein and subsequent installation of democracy could cause tremendous problems in their countries. “Before you know it, every smelly Palestinian refugee will be demanding the right to vote. Women will be moaning on about equal rights and all those disgusting peasants will want houses, education and clean water- the mind boggles. Is this really the sort of plutocratic state that me and my fellow despots have brutally suppressed our people for? I think not.”

Peace protestors were also vocal in their opposition to regime change using violence. “It’s time to see the good side of these dictatorships” claimed Jonathan Flowers, Professor of Cultural Change and Modern Languages at Camden University. “People always focus on the negative aspects, like torture and murder and chemical weapons. But what about the wonderful uniforms, the lack of litter and superb parades. And let’s not forget that you don’t hear Mickey Moaning, Cuthbert Complaint or Sidney Swear-Word in the bars and cafes. Mr. Flowers was promoting his solution to allow the “promulgation of peace” via the use of “happy words.” “Language can be a powerful tool in overcoming negative forces and oppression,” claimed Mr. Flowers. “George Bush says Iraq is Evil. Well I say ‘Evil’ is just an anagram of ‘Love’. Almost. And it’s definitely an anagram of ‘Live’ and that’s what Mr. Hussein and his people should be allowed to do.”

The conference finished by suggesting a number of measures to allay Western fears but to allow an undemocratic, military regime to continue in Iraq. One suggestion was to allow Iraq a transition to a benign dictatorship, which, although brutal and repressive, would offer unstinting praise of the US and allow western oil interests unfettered access Iraq’s oil industry. Another scheme involved setting up a “shamocracy” whereby the people would be allowed to vote for anyone they chose. However, the voting would be carried out using an arcane hole punch system and all of the ballot papers would be chucked in the bin prior to declaring either the President, the President’s simple-minded son or the President’s simple-minded son’s brother as the winner.

Author’s note: This was originally written by an old friend of mine, the wonderfully named Rob Banks.

The leader of the Fire Brigades Union (FBU), Andy Gilchrist, launched a radical solution to break the deadlock in the fire strike today. “It seems clear to us that concentrating on pay and conditions has not worked in the current negotiations. As such, we have tabled an agenda which offers a modest pay increase and modernised working practice in return from a commitment by homeowners to assume first line firefighting duties themselves.”

Mr Gilchrist pointed out that most fires attended by the fire service resulted in massive losses as a result of fire and water damage, regardless of how quickly the fire was extinguished. “If people simply let fires burn out themselves, the damage is likely to be about the same. However, it will not cause disruption to a firefighters sleep patterns or the unnecessary use of firefighting equipment that could be better employed nipping down to the shops or attending a local charity event or supermarket opening”

The £85,000 a year father of four, speaking from his £800,000 mansion on the South Coast, complete with its own sprinkler system, then went on to call for a massive 40% drop in emergency calls. “I know this is an ambitious goal, but with public support, a willingness not to dial 999 and the following of a few common-sense rules such as never smoking, lighting fires or using candles, matches or other naked flames, I know we can achieve it. And in the event of a fire, our message to the public is simple: do not call out the fire service unless a firefighters home is also at risk.”

Mr Gilchrist sees this as an “escape route” to the stalemate of the ACAS negotiations. He remains resolute in his rejection of the employers “meagre” 11.6% offer, whilst other public sector workers were coming away from the negotiation tables with agreements in excess of 1.9%. However, Mr. Gilchrist did offer one other ray of hope by stating that he was prepared to enter into exclusive negotiations linking his own pay to those of business leader in a similar role such as the “Chief executives of Vodafone, GlaxoSmithKline or possibly the Prime-Minister” as a way out of the deadlock.

Mr. Gilchrist also urged the public to change its view of the fire-fighters as “do-gooders” who are prepared to lay down their lives for others at little or no reward. “Altruism is so 20th Century. We’re not the RNLI or Mountain Rescue Service, prepared to do a dangerous job purely for the benefit of others. The public service cry of the 21st century will be ‘What’s in it for us?'” he cried, clutching a copy of “If it Ain’t Broke – Break It”, by ex Hell’s Angel turned Management Guru, Hugo Z Hackenbush.

Mr Gilchrist finished by explaining that the philosophy of “public service” was radically outdated and people should now recognise firefighters entitlements under the Human Rights Act to minimum periods of “lounging about, playing pool and generally waiting for something to happen.”

Sidebar
Tips to avoid disturbing the fire service
Turn off heating before bedtime. It’s better to be cold than dead.
Don’t smoke roll-ups. You think they’ve gone out – they usually have, but there’s always a first time.
If you have pebble glasses, wear them in bed. The smell of burning will wake you up.
Take the 9v batteries back out of your kids toys. Put them back in the smoke alarms where they were in the first place.
Never leave candles unattended. Get an attendant.
Finally, if you have a fire, first try to put it out yourself. You know it makes sense.

Author’s note: I can’t remember what spawned this brief article but probably the usual massive overreaction to some news about genetic modification

Independent tests of the recently announced cloned baby have spread terror today, by confirming that scientists are “well on the way to producing a cloned child”

Speaking to a tense and nervous press conference, Dr. Hugo Z Hackenbush, Emeritus Professor of Cloning and Newsworthy Science at Oxford University, confirmed that he had completed tests on both Mother and baby and could confirm that the child contained as much as 50% of its Mother’s genes. “This is the worst possible news” wailed Dr. Hackenbush. “It means that a bizarre cult has somehow managed to get their hands on the technology to take a person’s genes and use them to produce a child. It seems inevitable that they will soon be able to find ways to boost the percentage to two thirds and then onto 100%. Before you know it we could see any number of organisms reproducing without sexual procreation – plants, bees, fish, amphibians. It goes completely against nature – God knows where it will stop. It’s terrifying.”

As newspaper editors rushed to responsibly highlight the doomsday scenario of a nation of “cloned zombie slaves”, Dr Brigitte Boisselier, spokesperson for the Raelian cult at the centre of the scandal refused to comment, but did confirm that their formula for cloning success involved “baby oil, chocolate sauce and some aroma-therapy candles”

Author’s note: The government’s obsession with controlling all aspects of freedom of speech was starting to pick up pace, with the usual odd responses from its defenders trying to pretend that saying horrible things wasn’t horrible.

The British Government has launched a new initiative promoting the use of happy, peaceful, parent-friendly lyrics in pop music and condemning the use of violent imagery in rap as “more lethal than a magazine of .44 cartridges emptied pitilessly from an Uzi sub-machine gun into an infant’s school.”

David Blunkett made the announcement to a packed House of Commons. He denied knee jerk reactions or petulance in response to the judiciary’s refusal to implement a mandatory 5 year sentence for possession of guns. “It is completely wrong to suggest that because we have shied away from one measure, we have picked on other easy targets that will grab the headlines but make little actual difference,” he claimed as he prepared to launch a bill outlawing the sale of potato guns, water pistols and catapults.

Mr Blunkett continued, “It is clear to all right thinking people that subjecting young people to a torrent of foul mouthed abuse, threats of violence and lewd sexual references is bound to lead to trouble – which is exactly why we try and keep John Prescott away from the under eighteens. However, the profusion of so-called rap music is forcing young men to go out and buy guns, demean women and disrespect authority. It is time to put a stop to it.”

The Government plans to immediately outlaw the use of a large number of words and “incendiary lyrics” and replace them with the librettos from popular operas. Mr Blunkett felt that these would offer positive roles models for young people explaining that they present a wholly different picture to the depravation, violence, poverty and sex featured in rap. “Surely it is not too much to ask that our young people can listen to music and not be confronted with prostitutes, murder, abandoned single mothers and bragging young men boasting about their sexual conquests. Classic operas such as Carmen, Madame Butterfly and Don Giovanni give us this chance. It is also true that a large number of operas are not written in English, which has the added advantage of teaching our youngsters a foreign language.” Mr. Blunkett then concluded with an example by serenading Robin Cook with the aria “Your tiny beard is frozen” from La Boheme.

Surprisingly, many rap artists have welcomed the announcement. Controversial rapper Eminem has already been studying the works of G&S. Speaking to BT dressed as Ralph Rackshaw from HMS Pinafore he explained that the librettos although essentially light entertainment also cleverly highlighted the hypocrisy and corruption of society in a similar way to his own work.” I am looking forward to adapting “I’m Little Buttercup”. Essentially I plan to use the same verses but just add the word fuck a lot. And possibly Ho”

Rap artists have hit back at the Government’s plans claiming that that they are misunderstood and that their lyrics do no harm. “Rap is all about reflecting life on the street and teaching respect” claimed controversial rapper MC Ren of NWA. “Anyone can see that my verse ‘I’m a sniper with a hell of a scope, takin’ out a cop or two, they can’t cope’ shows a thoughtful response to race relations with the Police.

Mr. Blunkett however swept these concerns aside and promised that the Government would continue to crack down hard on offensive elements of youth culture and was looking hard at introducing licensing of flared trousers, text messaging and Gareth Gates.

Author’s note: I was really pleased with this article. It was funny, it made some clever points and it tied together a number of different subjects (sci fi films and North Korea) rather well.

The US Government has dismissed a high-priority NASA report that it has detected a massive alien force moving rapidly towards the earth with obvious hostile intent and claimed that the US will defy this “minor threat” and will not be distracted from its preparations for war against Iraq.

“It is clear that the real threat to world peace lies with Saddam and his exceptionally well hidden weapons of mass destruction” announced George Bush in an emergency television broadcast to the nation. The broadcast was set up to pinpoint the “very real threat of imminent nuclear war” posed by Saddam Hussein. During the broadcast Mr. Bush explained that aliens hurtling towards the Earth, possessing massive “war of the worlds” style weapons and vastly superior intelligence was clearly a “worrying development that warranted careful monitoring”. However, several CIA reports indicating that Saddam Hussein could immediately launch a barrage of nuclear weapons “if only he could get his hands on any” required immediate action.

The broadcast follows on from Mr Bush’s recent dismissal of the growing belligerence of North Korea. The North Korean premier, Kim Jong-il, had originally claimed that he was restarting the Korean’s illegal nuclear power programme and would begin reprocessing uranium. This was met by mild diplomatic protests from the US. However a recent photo of Mr Jong-il sitting atop a large nuclear missile whilst exposing his bare buttocks to reveal a tattoo reading “Kiss my hole Dubya wuss-boy. This one’s going to Washington!” was felt to be indicative of Mr Jong-Il’s’s unbalanced and warlike intent. Mr Bush declined to be goaded by the Koreans, however, and pointed out that it was much easier to pick a fight with a despotic leader armed with imaginary weapons of mass destruction, rather than take on a despotic leader armed with real weapons of mass destruction that could very easily cause “actual US casualties.”

However, the imminent alien invasion is believed by many to present a much greater threat. A spaceship filled with Democrat Senators has been launched in an attempt to make contact with the aliens and convey a message of peace to them. It was last seen entering a portal at the front of one of the alien ships, which then appeared to let out a large burp. “We were hoping that Al Gore might have slowed them down a bit, but it doesn’t appear to have had any affect,” claimed Dr. Zaffery Clint of NASA. “We must now assume that the invasion will happen any day now.” Mr. Bush, though, continued to dismiss the intelligence as “just so much eye-wash” and pointed out a “far more worrying” report highlighting an Iraqi paint factory manufacturing several “khaki-like shades of paint” as clear evidence of the build up to an Iraqi invasion. Further reports from the Vatican of the recent sighting of “four horsemen, a beast with seven heads and a large horned creature holding a trident and laughing demonically” were described by Mr Bush as “scaremongering – just like that old, see-through guy with chains who keeps visiting me every night and telling me to turn away from evil.”

As a large alien spacecraft began to hover over the White House and a massive death ray started to hum ominously, Mr. Bush continued to insist that Iraq posed the greatest threat to world peace, but conceded that he may possibly look into buying some protective headgear “or a large umbrella” just in case.

Author’s note: Derek Gadd, the vox populis of the Brains Trust is actually a real person. But with a name like that you cannot expect to remain anonymous – the limelight will surely seek you out. And so it was that we published the interview with the shy celebrity

The Brains Trust celebrates the festive season by featuring a rare interview with the nations favourite vox populi – Derek Gadd.

Looking relaxed in his stylish corduroy trousers, suede shoes and unusually patterned tie, he exuded the quiet confidence of a man who knows that his breadth of experience and wide ranging interests allow him to tap into the pulse of the nation and reflect the quiet pragmatism that is the hallmark of the English.

“I think it’s very often just a case of right place, right time with me” explained Derek with his customary modesty stepping slightly to the left seconds before a meteorite slammed into the ground beside him. “I don’t really see myself as anyone special, I just seem to find myself in many situations where I feel I can offer some help and a constructive comment or two.”

Derek has enjoyed a hugely varied career, turning his practised hand and watchful eye to many different roles with deceptive ease. “It’s hard to say which I’ve enjoyed the most. My roles in the Police started with working my way up from a constable right the way up to becoming their head bee trainer and really allowed me to feel I was giving something back to the community. My time in the army was great and of course my recent time in the Government and civil service has been fantastic

Outside of work, his myriad of sporting achievements are also the envy of many lesser mortals. His lithe, tanned muscular body is a familiar site in many of England’s sports stadia. However success also breed jealousy. When he became the first man to break the three-minute mile, there were muttered allegations of performance-enhancing drugs. But Derek faced them with his usual good humour quipping “The thought of a nice cup of tea at the end of my run was enough to enhance my performance”. His good grace under fire went a long way to helping him become the head of the British athletics squad.

He also has a great fascination with technology and has been integral in the development of the World Wide Web. “It was strange, but I remember having a chat with Tim Berners Lee and said ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if you could, like, click on a bit of text on the screen and that could take you to another screen with related information on it.’ And he said ‘Awesome. That would be hyper cool, man’ And I joked ‘No that would be hyper text’.” His website is still seen as a seminal example of the web-designers craft, recently garnering a string of awards. It remains the most popular website in the entire world

Derek has not always been so lucky in love, however. Too many incidents featuring the world’s most beautiful people record the name Gadd somewhere in their telling. The unseemly cat-fight between Lollabrigida and Loren that broke out as the two Latin beauties challenged for his affections. The continual stream of paparazzi camped on his door to see which frail super-waif will be accompanying him to the latest premiere. The unfortunate naming of him in the Cruise/Kidman divorce case as the source of adultery with both parties must also have weighed heavily.

As Derek concluded the interview and got up to leave, this reporter noted that the torrential rain outside stopped and a bright shaft of sunlight shone down illuminating the path of this extraordinary ordinary man.

Author’s note: Lord of the Rings. You could not avoid it.

Concerns are growing over the use of merchandising and – especially – product placement in the new Lord of the Rings movie “The Two Towers.”

Speaking to a packed press conference, the film’s director, Peter Jackson, dressed as Gimli the Dwarf and wearing a leather jerkin and an enormous horned Viking-style helmet emblazoned with the logo “I’d feel hornier reading Playboy”, defended the film. “We have to recognise the commercial realities of making a hugely expensive trilogy of films such as Lord of the Rings. Without corporate sponsorship we would be unable to even start this type of project, let alone complete it and it’s simply ridiculous to claim that you can’t move without stumbling over something advertising Lord of the Rings. Has everyone tried these KFC Sauron Spicy Chicken Wings? You can see what gives the Orcs their great power when you tuck into one of them.”

However, despite Jackson’s claims that changes to the script to incorporate selected brands into the film were “quite subtle really”, many have complained that the whole venture has wrecked the story. Alarm bells were first sounded when during the Fellowship of the Ring, when the overnight stay of the Frodo and Sam at a rather “lack-lustre bed and breakfast” at Weathertop featured in the book, was replaced with them checking into a Holiday Inn and getting a special “small persons go free” deal offering an extra bed in their room. However, the sequel goes much further. Gandalf the White reads the elvish script at the gates of Mordor and declares that Frodo holds “The one True ring, exclusively available at Tiffanys”. The Fellowship of the Ring no longer eat Lembas the ancient food of the Elves, but now sustain themselves with a food from the ancient line of Burger Kings known as Whoppers and drink the precious nectar known only by the ancient name of “Coca-Cola”.

In the final battle of Helm’s Deep the words “Why not visit New Zealand?” can be clearly seen etched into the side of Mount Doom. Subtle changes in certain characters have also caused top-level comment. The Elf warrior Legolas has been renamed Legoland and he now carries a bow and arrow made entirely of small plastic building bricks. The Riders of Rohan now only wear Rohan clothing and frequently extol an alternative lifestyle of snowboarding, surfing and cycling and Gandalf can clearly be heard uttering the sacred incantation “I feel like Chicken tonight” before his final confrontation with Saruman.

Jackson was unapologetic, however and promised further product placement in the final film. “We are already talking to a whole new brand of sponsors and should be able to really align them with the subtleties of the story. Procter and Gamble have promised that Gandalf really will be transformed from the “Grey” to the “Whitest White” with their washing powder. I’m also particularly look forward to the final scene with Gollum and Frodo wrestling on the lip of Mount Doom, Gollum plunging to his death clutching the ring and a horrified Frodo turning to face the camera and exclaiming “Oh no! I forgot to renew my insurance!” as the Direct Line telephone number appears in the lava that has devoured his foe.

Author’s note: Despite months of waiting the US still hadn’t launched its invasion of Iraq by January 2003. It was inevitable, however.

Following on from the news that several movie stars have been tempted to make sequels to some of their most successful movies, including Mel Gibson in Mad Max, Sylvester Stallone in Rocky and Arnold Schwarzzeneger in Terminator, the US Government has announced that it is preparing for “the Mother of all sequels: Gulf War 2: Junior’s Revenge”

The film, which the producers hope will be an international hit, has been in preparation for several years and shooting is expected to start on or around the 11th anniversary of the first production on the 16th January. Scriptwriters have been working on the scenario for several months and the lead roles have already been cast

The original production was based on a classic conflict between the forces of good and evil and featured exciting battle scenes and a variety of hi-tech weaponry. Although criticised for it’s bathetic ending that left the hero showing mercy and turning away from the opportunity to destroy the villain, the production was an enormous success and left the door open for a sequel.

The Brains Trust has seen a leaked copy of the final script of the sequel. The hero, a simple man known only as George Jnr the self styled “Man with no brain”, is a reluctant leader forced by a grateful electorate to take up the presidency, despite no one voting for him. A shy, abstemious man, he remembers the homespun wisdom of his old pappy, who always taught him to respect the words of Kenny Rogers and “walk away from trouble if you can.”

However, he is eventually goaded into war by the blatant evil acts of the villainous Saddam Hussein and his cackling mad-side kick Osama Bin Laden. It is expected that the roles of Saddam and Osama will be played by Anthony Hopkins and Jeremy Irons respectively. Despite giving Saddam ample opportunity to turn away from evil, he continues to goad the hero by agreeing to every one of his demands. The hero’s best friend and long-time ally, Tony “The Tiger” Blair, is a square-jawed American, fearless in his protection of the most sacred US values and forever shielding his fragrant, innocent, wide-eyed wife from con-men. Light relief is provided by a group of comedy stooges known as the United Nations. The name is ironic and whenever they appear they are seen bickering, disagreeing and fighting with one another.

However, the sequel may not be the whole story. It is rumoured that the producers are eyeing up the success of trilogies such as Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Although it is still at a very early stage in pre-production they already have a working title and it is thought that the team are greatly looking forward to starting “World War 3”.

Author’s note: This was supposed to be an amusing, if slightly dark, bit of Christmas silliness. But with what we know now about the BBC, it looks rather prescient.

Police declared themselves satisfied with Operation Fairytale today, which has resulted in the arrest of a number of high-profile children’s entertainers on child abuse charges.

The operation follows on from a number of moves to protect children from perverts including not allowing the filming of nativity plays, never touching a child, ever, ever and ensuring that a child’s first words are “get your hands away from me, you filthy pervert”

Those arrested include many previously well-beloved characters. Father Bear was reportedly shopped by his own wife after abusing a girl who had “eaten his porridge”. The “big bad wolf”, in moves eerily similar to a recent case in Germany, is claimed to have eaten an elderly woman and attempted to do the same to her grand-daughter. Finally, the so-called good fairy is alleged to have disguised himself in a ballerina’s costume and lurked at the top of Christmas trees so that he could flash his knickers at youngsters.

The arrest of Father Christmas has also shocked many. Mr. Christmas, who has several aliases, has worked with children for many years. Previously, he had reportedly agreed to seek counselling for an obsessive-compulsive disorder, related to bulimia, that forced him to live the life of a recluse, hoarding items all year and then suddenly travelling the world and giving them away on a single night. However, he is now believed to have confessed to indulging his own perversions as a fat, bearded geriatric with a penchant for stockings, allegedly sitting children on his knee and giving them toys and sweeties as long as they promise him they’ll “be good”.

Speaking on behalf of the pressure group “Paedos are everywhere”, Derek Gadd explained that he was particularly disgusted at the arrest of the Fairytale characters. “These were supposed to be people that our lovely innocent angels could look up to and trust. They were supposed to teach messages of love and show strong moral leadership. Now it turns out they’ve been trying to poison children with toxic apples, forcing them to work as slaves and luring them into houses with gingerbread so they can torture them. And apparently they’ve been celebrating these acts of barbarism by writing them down and illustrating them. It’s disgusting!”

Mr. Gadd also attacked what he called the “quasi-mystical” elements of Christmas. “People are bringing pagan rites into the whole Christmas celebration. Everyone knows that Christmas is about giving presents, eating and drinking as much as you can and watching TV for 18 hours a day. That’s what people want – a traditional Christmas – not some weird ceremony involving stories about an unmarried Mother, three creepy foreigners offering unsolicited ‘gifts’ and some very suspicious and unsanitary sleeping arrangements with animals.”

However, Father Christmas was unrepentant last night. On being contacted by the Brains Trust he simply cackled with laughter saying, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas everybody.”