Author’s note: By now, the media had it in for Cherie Blair and so the revelation that she had been using some nutcase healer who had a boyfriend who was an Australian con-man as an advisor was manna from heaven and became known, in the time honoured tradition, as Cherie-gate.

The use of the word “gate” as a suffix to describe any political scandal is to be banned under new legislation put forward by the Government.

“The whole thing has got completely out of hand” claimed Home Secretary David Blunkett. “I mean, Watergate was an actual place which was fine. But then we had Contra-gate, Arms-to-Iran-Gate, Monica-gate. I mean it’s just ridiculous. And then it came over here – Archer-gate, Diana-gate and now Cherie-gate. Haven’t you people got any originality at all? How about Cherie-aide, for example, that would be a good one” he finished, looking rather smug.

However, the Tories have already called the removal of the suffix a scandal of unprecedented proportions and christened it “Gate-gate”. They claim that it is the inalienable right of “lazy and drunken journalists” to pour out “kant and cliché” with alacrity. “Our great tradition of the free press didn’t achieve success by coming up with original ideas or unique headlines” claimed Iain Duncan Smith. “They did it by pinching each other’s ideas and claiming them as a ‘world exclusive'”

However, the new legislation has received a welcome in other parts of the community, with many celebrities coming out in favour. Graeme Garden has explained how he dreaded the day his cottaging of 16 year old boys on Clapham Common would be revealed by the News of the World with headline “Garden-gate”. Gareth Gates has also expressed relief that his inevitable decline into drugs and Z-list celebrity status would never be described as Gareth Gates-gate. The non-appearance of headlines such as “Flood-gate”, “Golden-gate” or “Please shut the-gate” has also been greeted with relief.

As the ban started to take affect, bemused journalists sat around their offices staring blankly at articles on corrupt politicians, barmy advisors and blatantly homosexual celebrities unable to think of a headline. Others frantically placed slips of paper with various hyperboles written on them into a sack before drawing them out and using them to randomly assemble a headline. “I’ve got Scandal Disgrace Shock Paedo Creep Prince Charles” explained Derek Gadd chief crime correspondent for the Sun. “But it doesn’t really help with this article on Michael Portillo”

David Blunkett finished by claiming that the new measures will ensure a new era of originality in the British media. “And if it stops them going on about Cherie for a couple of days, then even better”

Author’s note: As Labour continued to settle comfortably into the middle ground a number of unions found themselves at odds with the government. GMB, RMT and the fire services union all remained squarely on the left and started to find themselves isolated and unsupported. Here’s an article from the news in brief section on the the fire brigade strike

A massive search was launched today for the fire strike, which has “completely disappeared”. The strike, a previously high-profile character was last seen on or around the 8th of December where it was reportedly looking grumpy and slightly dishevelled. It is claimed that it was very unhappy about the state of its relationship with its long time partner, the Labour Party. It had been complaining of having several visceral arguments over money and was suspicious that the Labour party had been courting other suitors. It had recently told a close friend, the Tribune group, that it was unhappy with the party’s constant philandering with “any capitalist tart with a big bank roll” and intended to walk out on the relationship unless changes were made very soon. The police are said to be very concerned as to the safety of the strike and are investigating reports of a large inarticulate man with a strong Hull accent seen arguing with it recently.

Author’s note: Iraq and the WMD and the continual inspections rumbled on, with Iraq (honestly, as it turned out) demanding they didn’t have any and the US and UK insisting they did.

Saddam Hussein is seeking a publisher for what his agent, Tariq Aziz, describes as “one of the greatest works of fiction ever written”.

“It is a daring, modern piece, pushing forward the boundaries of the written word,” explained Mr Aziz. “It cleverly juxtaposes the eternal conflict between the west and Islam using a metaphysical plot centred on Kalfkaesque ‘inspectors’ who repeatedly ask the same questions to attempt ‘see behind the veil’. Alternate sections are written in English and Arabic showing how language can cause conflict through confusion. And it also features a gratuitous 10 page gang-rape scene to get the key 20 to 30 year old demographic interested.”

The book itself is a twelve thousand page epic sprawling over 20 volumes. It has already been delivered to an international inspection team, where it reported to be garnering rave reviews. However, several critics have complained that a full review of the manuscript will take several weeks, possibly months owing to the complex plot featuring a web of deception and intrigue

The book is set amidst the sultry heat of Arabia in a mythical land of peace filled with ancient palaces, treacherous foreigners and a variety of extraordinary laboratories featuring alchemists making thousands of household items but definitely not any chemical or biological weapons.

The hero – an innocent victim caught up in events beyond his control – is a young, dashing ingenue known as Saddam. Despite his love of peace and determination to help children and animals he finds himself drawn into a web of treachery and revenge as his beloved country is bought to it knees.

The evil mastermind behind this desperate plan is George Dubya and his henchman the mad professor Hans Blix. Together they plan to take over the world by forcing a nuclear war and blame it on the hapless Saddam.

Distributors in the US have already snapped up the international rights to the work and editors are reportedly already furiously working to cut the book down to a more manageable size. The US editor supervising the preparations, Condoleeza Rice, told the Brains Trust that the book had to be adjusted for an international audience. “For example, the US readership will want to read all the bits about how many nuclear weapons the hero has, but not the fact that the US sold them to him in the first place. Our readership would find this confusing – they like moral certainties. Still the chapters about the French nuclear power stations are great.”

Publication is expected in early 2003 and a “gigantic launch party” is already being planned by the US distributors. “We’re going to get out to Iraq and have a blast,” promised Ms. Rice. “Those Iraqis will be so wasted they won’t be able to recognise their own house by the time we’ve finished”

Author’s note: Proof that the truth is often weirder than satire, there were religiously motivated riots over the Miss World competition in Nigeria. Attempts, to gloss over them became increasingly ridiculous, leading to….

Devastated victims on all sides of the Miss World riots have claimed that they were merely trying to make an amusing point in an ironic manner and that their opposite numbers “don’t have a fucking sense of humour”

The riots began between Christians and Muslims in Lagos after a Nigerian journalist, Isioma Daniel, published what she claimed was supposed to be a humorous and cynical review of the Miss World competition and it’s relevance to Africa. Muslim cleric Ibraheem Zakzaky claimed that he felt the article was a clever juxtaposition between an out-of-date competition judging fickle western ideals of beauty and the current dire status of Africa. “But the comment that ‘Mohammed wouldn’t have hesitated to pork Miss India – if he was allowed to eat pork!’ went too far. A jokes a joke and I like a good belly laugh as much as the next fanatical Islamic fundamentalist,” he lamented. “But referring to Miss Saudi Arabia as more likely to win if she was wearing her burkha was a step over the edge. I had no choice but to issue an immediate comedy fatwa and call for a full-scale ironic jihad. The problem is that these Christians just can’t take a joke”

The fatwa took the form of massacring a number of families using prescribed Islamic comedic principles. Families were killed using a variety of practical jokes, including exploding toilet seats, whoopee car bombs and imitation imitation firearms. Hordes of cackling rioters were filmed for the next issue of “You’ve been fatwaed” tripping up Christians with banana skins before beating them to death with sticks and wiring up the door handle of the local church to a 50,000 volt electricity supply.

However, the Christian community struck back at the Muslims in a similar manner. “Of course we understood that our Muslim brethren were making an ironic point about the futility of bloodshed over something as trivial a beauty competition,” claimed Archbishop Makinde. “So I can’t understand why they got so arsey when we responded in kind.” The Christians started by getting Muslim children to bungee jump from the top of a local minaret – only without attaching the bungee. They then moved on to a full-scale re-enactment of the sacking of Jerusalem – one of the most hilarious moments in history – using real houses and real Muslims to play the part of the comedy stooges who were hacked to death in the Crusades.

As Lagos was taken over in a city-wide celebration of the power of laughter to tear people apart, a decision was made to move the competitors to London for their own safety. However, the infectious humour had taken over and the women found themselves swept up in the tide of goofery. Miss India playfully pulled at the long, lustrous hair of Miss Pakistan removing “only a couple of handfuls”, whilst she responded by amusingly carving the name of the prophet into Miss India’s face with a nail file. As the Miss World pageant then dissolved into a frenzy of ironic slapping, scratching and eye gouging, Eric Morely was asked if he felt the wave of irony had gone too far. He replied, “Ooh! Catfight! Awesome! Let me get my camera”

Author’s note: A silly article from the News in Brief section taking the mickey out of one of our favourite subjects, alongside Ken Livingstone, Countdown.

Picketing continued outside the Countdown studios at Channel 4 today. Standing around a flaming brazier of colourful ties, books from dictionary corner and Richard Stilgoe’s beard, Richard Whitley lead the chant of “What do we want? Four consonants and three vowels. When do we want it? Now!” Whitely continued to insist that his demands for a “greatly extended alphabet, several new numbers and a lovely sparkly outfit like Carol’s” were completely reasonable and were well within the gift of Channel 4. However, attempts to staff the programme with what Whitely referred to as “scab labour” continued with Gyles Brandreth receiving “emergency pun training” and Anne Diamond taking a speed learning course in advanced mathematics and “weapons grade vodka drinking”

Author’s note: So, this is probably a good time to say that I was actually in favour of the Iraq invasion. Whilst I didn’t believe they possessed any WMD, I did believe that Saddam was a particularly vile dictator and removing him and installing democracy would be a good thing. I continued to believe that the invasion was justified but that the operation post-invasion was a disaster and the cause of much misery. It was only after the Arab spring and the subsequent fall of Gaddafi and the Syrian uprising that I began to doubt whether rapid violent revolutions, either from within or without, could effect beneficial change.

Anyhoo, at the time Russia, France and China were very much against the invasion and poor old Hans Brix, memorably lampooned in Team America, was constantly being accused of not looking hard enough for WMD. This was a fairly silly reflection of that

The UN weapons inspectorate furiously rebutted US charges that it had caved in to French, Russian and Chinese demands for a less able inspecting team and had put in candidates without relevant qualifications.

“It is ridiculous to say that I had no success as a nuclear inspector when working as the director general of the International Atomic Energy Agency,” claimed Hans Blix, head of the UN Weapons Inspectorate. “I always came top in the “find-a-nuke” simulation on our training courses. And how was I to know those North Koreans were lying when they said those large stockpiles of glowing containers were batches of luminous paint they were saving for Halloween? My Mother always told me to trust people, after all, the world would be a lot nicer place if people just trusted one another”

The Brains Trust escorted the weapons inspectors on their first inspections of Iraq. One of the earliest was carried out by Stan “Sniffer” Briggs formerly the chief weapons inspector for the Allied Forces during the Second World War. As he was helped from his bath chair by eager and helpful Iraqi officials, he stood in the doorway sniffing the air determinedly. “You can always smell ’em, weapons of mass destruction,” he commented, adding “Of course, it’s never been the same since they stopped using Napalm and Zyklon B. Nowadays, you’ve can only detect these new-fangled nerve gases with so called high-tech equipment. Well I say you can’t beat the old ways; a clear mind, a keen eye and a sharp ear. What did you say? Speak up man, stop mumbling”

Another inspection was carried out by a younger team led by Kevin Connolly of the 1st Infantry’s Mine Detecting division. Mr. Connolly, who had a pronounced stutter and who’s hands shook visibly, explained that he had never really been the same since a large mine went off after he had tripped over it during a training exercise. “And I’ve never been very good at handling conflict,” he claimed. “So I hope these Iraqis aren’t going to make a fuss about the inspections or I’ll have one of my migraines coming on before you know it. And all this hot weather and desert sand is bound to bring on my allergies. Give it a couple of days and my eyes will be all puffed up and I won’t be able to see a thing. You don’t have any Aspirin on you, do you?”

The Iraqis however continued to denounce the inspections and particularly resented the implication that Presidential Palaces may actually be secret weapons laboratories. Head of Artefacts, Architecture and Special Projects, Mustapha Maroud, commented, “Don’t these people recognise modern architecture? Of course, you traditionalists expect a palace to have turrets and moats and crenellations, but our cutting edge designs reflect the new urban ideal. Tall chimneys belching smoke, miles of pipes and guards wearing the traditional Iraqi dress uniform of lead lined suits and breathing apparatus are the new fashion, so get with it daddy-o.”

The US, however, continues to demand more rigorous inspections and has offered to help out by clearing away some of the clutter in Iraq using the special US cleaning services provided by sub -contractors “EasyBomb” and their new fleet of B2 Stealth Bombers.

Author’s note: The fire service, like NHS workers, can pretty much guarantee the support of the public and so their unions are often confident in making large demands for pay rises and other improvements to their contracts. I wondered what would happen if they were replaced by a similarly brave and skilled organisation, but one that took no government money….

The Government has announced that the Royal National Lifeboat Association (RNLI) is to assume firefighting duties throughout the UK.

The decision was made when it was realised that, unlike other rescue services, the RNLI is a voluntary organisation funded entirely from charitable donations and does not receive “a single penny of lovely, lovely Government money”. Fire Service Minister, Nick Raynsford, commented, “Lifeboat staff operate in a similar environment to firefighters. They use highly sophisticated equipment in dangerous conditions and help rescue people from seemingly impossible situations. However, they are also people who enjoy the thrill of danger and wish to help those in peril without thought of financial gain, unlike those greedy money-grabbing bastards in the fire service. So, by extending the remit of the RNLI to cover fires, not only do we get a group of enthusiastic, highly skilled firefighters, but also we don’t have to pay a penny for them. Just imagine what that will do for the MP’s pension pot?” he finished, leafing through a SAGA “Five star retirement homes” brochure.

Speaking on behalf of the RNLI Captain Derek Gadd claimed that they were confident they could bring a high-level of appropriate skills to the job of fire fighting. “As far as we can tell the fireman’s job involves the distribution of a lot of water and hanging around on rickety buildings and wobbly ladders. Well, if there’s one thing we know about it’s water and the pitch and yaw of a boat in 50 metre seas gives us plenty of practice in keeping our balance. How difficult can it be?” he said pulling on his oilskins and sou’wester before taking command of a fire engine with the traditional cry of “Avast there me hearties! Does anyone know where the rudder is on this thing?”

However, it is becoming apparent that some teething troubles have still to be ironed out. One of the first calls, to a large house fire in Solihull, Birmingham, had to be left to burn after the nearest lifeboat station, at Aberystwyth, on the Welsh coast was unable to attend owing to a lack of a convenient waterway. At a pile up on the M1 stricken motorists were approached by the RNLI, who came alongside the crash, and hurled lifebelts and winch lines to them advising them to swim for it. Attempts to rescue a cat from a tree in Ottershaw, Surrey also went disastrously wrong when, after the cat was recovered, the creature was taken to the coast and tossed “back into the sea”.

However, a furious Andy Gilchrist, leader of the Fireman’s Union, denounced the actions of the “RNLI scabs”. “Where would we be if everyone went around doing their jobs for altruistic reasons and no money? Before you know it, they’ll be providing first aid and agreeing to unnatural work practices. Still, they may be on no pay at the moment, but how long can it be before they demand a 40% pay rise. And then where will the Government be, eh?”

Author’s note: My first job was at Friends of the Earth and was an utterly depressing experience. It is a PR organisation, pure and simple, designed to spin facts and data to support their campaigns. If they put half as much effort into actually protecting the earth as they do in raising money or attending conferences the world may well be a better place. Like many campaigning organisations, they have to increase the volume and scale of their apocalyptic forecasts to get media attention. As such, they go very quiet when an the consequences of an oil spill turn out to be not nearly as bad as everyone predicted. Fun fact – Chris Jones was a customer of mine – a senior executive at GlaxoSmithKilne

The sinking of the oil tanker Prestige off the coast of Spain, now officially the worst catastrophe the world has ever seen, continued to wipe out all known species today. As endangered and common species alike clutched their throats and gave up the ghost, frantic efforts were underway to protect the few remaining organisms.

Speaking from an undisclosed location in a tropical rainforest “somewhere near Barnsley”, environmental campaigner Chris “Crusty” Jones, clutching a slightly oil-smudged pigeon, explained the situation. “This oil spill is the worst environmental disaster ever to have been seen on the face of the earth. Meteorites, volcanoes, typhoons, tidal waves are but nothing compared to this unprecedented tide of death that is sweeping over the planet. Greedy, evil oil companies whose only desire is to destroy our beautiful planet and fuel our lust for warm homes and convenient transport are to blame. Well, this shattered, once beautiful creature is the result” he sobbed holding the pigeon aloft as it pecked his hand and flew off looking rather relieved.

Concerns about the oil spill are especially high on the Northern Coast of Spain where it seems certain that it will deprive local fishermen of their essential livelihood of over-fishing and claiming subsidies. It is feared that the fish stocks will take some years to recover before they can once again be totally decimated by the enthusiastic Spanish fishing fleet. Blame has also been pointed at the Spanish and Portuguese Governments who refused to allow the stricken tanker to dock, directing it instead to Africa. “It was obviously the right decision to protect our fish stocks,” claimed the Spanish Deputy Prime Minister Mariano Roy. “After all, Africans don’t get subsidies and have considerably smaller fishing fleets who mainly supply their local population, so the affect on world trade would be a lot less than if the ship sunk in our waters. Which unfortunately it then did.”

As the debate over the oil spill continued, environmentalists produced complex mathematical models predicting the “near certain” destruction of creature after creature and showing how the world will become a barren wilderness unless immediate action is taken. “If you look at this detailed computer simulation” explained Mr Jones, holding up what appeared to be a long-division sum on the back of a Body Shop receipt, “you can clearly see how environmental desecration is changing the world. Everywhere our planet is being raped by cold-hearted capitalists and species are being forced to evolve and adapt, which is something completely unprecedented. At no time in history have changes to the ecosystem on such a large scale been seen and at no time has one group of animals become dominant and imposed its will on all other organisms. And if any mealy mouthed oil company sponsored scientist lackeys want to disagree, I say to them: ‘Go fuck yourselves. I get a nice fat grant to come up with this stuff and I’m buggered if small details such as facts, research or verifiable theories are going to stand in the way.'”

Mr. Jones then clambered up what he described as the “last remaining tree in the tropics” to take his place on the Rainforest Solidarity Front’s treehouse. As other groups joined him, assembling their own structures there was a loud creaking and the tree fell to the ground.

Author’s note: I am highly ambivalent about prison and its effectiveness, especially for people who are mentally ill or drug addicted. My father influenced my view. It was announced in the 1990s that they were going to build a secure establishment for treating peadophiles near our family home. There was a predictable reaction and some neighbours appeared on our doorstep with a petition demanding it be abandoned. My dad refused to sign it, reasoning it was better to treat these people and try to prevent them reoffending in a secure establishment than in other places. It was an honourable stance, but not a popular one. Anyway, this very dark piece was an attempt to encapsulate that rather lonely stance

Paedophiles across the UK have expressed horror and remorse at their actions and vowed that from today they will cease their perverted activities. Speaking on behalf of “Deflower”, the underage consent pressure group, Trevor Upshaw explained, “The death of Myra Hindley after a lifetime in prison has shown us all that we cannot go on abusing children and expect to get away with it. It is time for us all to give up and turn to more socially acceptable behaviour”

The death of Hindley in jail after successive Home Secretaries refused to commute her life sentence has acted as a stark warning to other child molestors and their apologists. Until now it was argued by these groups that it was safer to treat paedophiles for their proclivities rather than simply lock them away in prison. However, the unforgiving attitude of the authorities to Hindley and the hostile media coverage has convinced the doubters that “locking these perverts up is the only solution. Preferably in the same cell as several burly football hooligans”

Dr. Julian Bryant of the Prison Reform Trust agreed. “It may seem crazy, but I used to believe that trying to understand these people and attempting to cure them, or at least help them to overcome their perverted desires, seemed a sensible course of action. Now it seems so obvious that shoving them in jail and printing headlines such as “Rot in Hell, you evil bitch!” will show everyone how evil these people are and stop others from emulating them”

Across the country child abusers have been stringing themselves up by the genitals or performing “rudimentary but effective” self-castrations using pinking shears or clapping together two house bricks. Hordes of Catholic priests have formed lengthy queues at specially set up 24 hour confessional booths before hurling themselves onto “mobile pyres” helpfully provided by the fire service and the Daily Mail. Some, unable to wait, have desperately sought to confess and absolve themselves shortly before performing self-excommunication and then committing suicide. At swimming pools across the land, middle aged men wearing revealing bathing costumes have been attaching large lead weights to themselves and then hurling themselves in at the deep end.

Fired up by the policy’s success in combating paedophilia, David Blunkett has gone on to announce new laws to protect all innocent members of society from sexual abuse. “It is vital that we recognise how many people are victims of sex abuse and provide as many new laws as we can to help them”. Under the new legislation, which Mr Blunkett promised would be carefully drafted after several minutes meticulous review, any sexual act carried out with anyone could result in immediate incarceration if consent was not obtained in writing and signed by both partners parents or guardians. Furthermore, consent could be subsequently removed on discovering the following morning that “you’d actually been a bit pissed, your sexual partner was slightly less attractive than Gus the Gorilla or you just felt a bit ashamed of yourself for being such an easy lay.”

The media has been quick to show how it led the way in cleansing the UK of the “filth that walks our streets and lurks behind every corner.” Piers Morgan, Editor of the Sun, speaking from the set of his photo-shoot recreating the cremation of Myra Hindley entitled “Burn! Burn, you evil fucking witch, Hindley” commented, “It’s time that people realised that zero tolerance is the only language these people understand. And frankly, the law should recognise the rights of a mob of well intentioned public spirited people to surround a suspected paedophile’s house and burn it to the ground.”

Author’s note: Paul Burrell, the late Diana’s butler had been charged with pinching some stuff and the case was dismissed. However, he then decided to sell his story to the Mirror which caused the other papers to turn against him

The British media has continued its onslaught against Paul Burrell, former butler to Diana Princess of Wales. The Sun has declaimed the “filthy lack of respect and loyalty” of Mr Burrell demonstrated by “selling his story to those cunts at the Mirror rather than us.”

The Sun has lead the attack on Mr. Burrell. After the dismissal of allegations against him most members of the press praised Mr. Burrell’s bravery in the face of unfounded allegations and an over-zealous police investigation. However, the Sun now claims that the “mask of kindness” has been ripped from Mr. Burrell’s face to show the “deceitful, lying, treacherous two-faced bastard he so obviously is.”

The Sun’s claim is based on the decision of Mr Burrell to sell his story to the Mirror, their biggest rival. “By choosing to support this red-flag waving, homosexual scandal sheet, Mr Burrell has shown us all the side of the bed on which he sleeps. And with whom, as we reveal on pages 4 to 15 of our searing investigative report into “Paul Burrell – Queer Thief Liar who hates our lovely Royal Family.” The report reveals Burrell’s “myriad homosexual relationships” with many high profile lovers including “Michael Barrymore, John Leslie, Saddam Hussein and, who could forget his camp Arabian lover, Osama Bin Laden?”

A further section entitled “Paul Burrell – Spawn of Satan” also reveals Burrell’s membership of a “Devil worshipping black magic cult,” who can be regularly found “Masturbating and laughing over Diana’s grave in Althorp Island.” The report also features an exclusive interview with Diana’s brother, Earl Spencer. “We gave Paul everything and he betrayed us” he explained sobbing into one of his dead sisters ‘kerchiefs, he keeps close to him as a keepsake. “Perhaps we were too soft on him. Letting him walk around Kensington Palace in Diana’s dresses whilst wearing her favourite tiara should have set alarm bells ringing. Allowing him to sell her most precious items and insisting that he have unfettered access to all the charity funds we collected on her behalf. I’m sure he made the best use of them, but it’s such a shame those AIDS infected babies had to die so that he buy that Mercedes”

However, the Mirror has hit back calling for the deification of “St. Paul the Second – the people’s Martyr.” The paper ran a special double length issue, with every section featuring articles on Mr. Burrell. Highlight’s included “Burrell bashes Aussies in 3000 run Ashes victory”, “Burrell tells Iraq: Don’t make me come over there” and “Paul Burrell single handedly saves 15 children and pet dog from blazing building whilst greedy Sun reading firemen stand and jeer.” The edition also featured articles on “Burrell supports Queen, even though the callous old bat tried to put him away for life” and “Sun reader Charles shields evil rapist aide from justice.”

Mr. Burrell was unavailable for comment and was said to be looking forward to resuming his career in fossicking, frottaging and world class buttling.