Author’s note: So this is it, the final Brains Trust article I ever wrote, long after it had shut down. Enjoy

It was confirmed by Police today that the entire front bench team of the Conservative Party had disappeared “in suspicious circumstances” on their recent visit to Liverpool and that it seems likely that they have been stolen, possibly by an organised criminal gang

Suspicions that things were awry were first aroused shortly after the arrival of the Conservative team in Liverpool when three of the members of the front bench team disappeared without trace. It is believed that Oliver Letwin may well have been removed from the “left luggage” rack at Liverpool Station, although there is some dispute as to whether he ever managed to get on the train and there are reports of a figure answering his description wandering around the concourse at Euston.

As the visit to Liverpool progressed an ever increasing number of the Conservative team went missing, with David Davis disappearing down a manhole, Alan Duncan being snatched by a passing white Transit van and Liam Fox disappearing into a public convenience, although there are some reports that Dr. Fox may still be in the cubicle. The final indignity came when David Cameron appeared to be hustled away in a shopping trolley by two 11 year olds and a small Jack Russell terrier.

It is anticipated that the Shadow Cabinet may now be split up and sold for scrap or spare parts for other political parties to use. “A lot of politicians nowadays are completely interchangeable and some of the individual members of the Cabinet would be very valuable to aspirational political parties,” explained Inspector Derek Gadd of the Merseyside Police, who is investigating the crime. Police have ruled out direct theft by a political party, however, pointing out that the robbery was a series of perfectly executed steps by a group of highly organised individuals.

Although the police have remain tight-lipped about the possible buyers for the shadow cabinet team, the Liberal Democrats are known to have recently been in the market for new leaders and the Labour party is thought to be desperately looking for new blood to spruce up its “knackered and shagged out” ministerial team. There is also a possibility that the Members of Parliament could be shipped abroad, with many foreign Governments showing increasing interest in building up a collection of right of centre Ministers to burnish their credentials with the IMF and World Bank.

The Police are considering offering a reward for the return of the Shadow Cabinet “just as soon as we’ve had a chance to review Tory criminal justice spending plans.”

Author’s note: The Lib Dems had dethroned Charles Kennedy and then had to deal with a mini-scandal that Simon Hughes was caught calling gay chatlines and Mark Oaten resigned for allegedly allowing an escort to poo into his mouth.

Sir Menzies Campbell, acting head of the Liberal Democrats and contender in the forthcoming leadership election, has confirmed his “unutterable gayness” and pledged to lead a new tolerant, inclusive and “very gay indeed” Liberal party to election victory.

Sir Menzies was speaking to a packed press conference as he coquettishly unveiled the new Lib Dem logo of two crossed pink dildos and an aerobics teacher touching his toes. He explained how he had struggled to repress his homosexuality throughout his 30 year marriage and 15 children. He also confirmed how he had wrestled with his “mincingly gay lifestyle” as he fathered a further 37 children throughout his numerous affairs with secretaries, parliamentary researchers and the entire US ladies volleyball team. “My close colleagues all knew that I was a pillow biter, despite the fact that I’d slept with most of their wives.” lisped Sir Menzies, “They all encouraged me to step out of the closet – especially the one located in their bedrooms at home.”

Sir Menzies announcement has met with a cool response from leadership rival Simon Hughes. Mr Hughes, who had just completed launching his new leadership slogan “Chase Me! Chase Me!” at the 3rd Space gymnasium in Soho, declared that he was the true heir to Jeremy Thorpe and the gay wing of the party. “Has Ming spent every last penny on gay chatlines? Has he ever masturbated over the writhing bodies of two rent boys? Has he ever even seen Moulin Rouge or owned a Barbara Streisand album? These are the questions he must answer before he can be truly taken seriously – which any leader of the Lib Dems must always be,” Mr Hughes thundered as he vigorously rubbed himself down with baby oil.

There was also scepticism from the other leadership rival, Chris Huhne, who has taken up the mantle of the alcoholic wing of the party. Mr Huhne was announcing his new manifesto, “Mine’s a double!” and declared that the “poofs and queers” could expect “a good Lib Dem electoral thrashing” after he and his supporters had downed 18 pints and a kebab. Mr Huhne was accompanied on his manifesto launch across 13 Westminster pubs by Charles Kennedy. Mr Kennedy explained in an incoherent mumble how he fully supported the manifesto’s policies including “You spilled my pint,” “You’re looking at me in a funny way,” and “I fucking love you man, I really do.”

“Those bottom munching queeny gay boy bum bandits have totally let the party down,” announced Mr Kennedy after he had climbed Cleopatra’s needle to address the hordes of passers by who were rapidly passing him by. “They have shown a complete lack of professionalism and Lib Dem spunk. And they touch each other’s nobs. Yuk!”

It is expected that the two wings of the party will be unlikely to come together, despite Sir Menzies promise to hold many gay member’s balls and allow a mass debate with the leadership contenders. However, all sides have agreed that they share certain key Lib Dem principles including opposition to the Iraq war, the legalising of cannabis and “absolutely no fucking chance of getting into government.”

Author’s note: And thus the Brains Trust died. It had been on its last legs for a while, pretty much propped up by me. I wrote this as an article for the final edition, but the edition was never published. I then wrote two other articles at much later date. This was a howl against the obsession of the media appearing to do good by supporting charities, but it’s simply cheap advertising.

There was widespread praise today for cancer-stricken television personality Mandy Skinner’s announcement that she would take part in the UK leg of the Olympic Torch relay, despite the fact that she died two weeks ago.

Politicians, fellow celebrities and the media were all quick to offer their support for former glamour model Mandy’s brave effort, overcoming crippling pain, exhaustion and one inch of solid teak to carry the torch on its journey to Athens. Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy took the opportunity to be photographed by Ms. Skinner’s pallid corpse shortly after its hasty exhumation by the International Olympic Committee. “Mandy’s brave struggle to beat cancer, although ultimately fruitless, is an inspiration to us all to overcome our difficulties and get on with living our lives to the full – just as she would if she hadn’t died,” declared Mr. Kennedy. “It also underlines the Liberal Democrats commitment to health issues and supporting sport in this country,” he continued, as he put down a large tumbler of “iced tea” and hastily stubbed out an herbal cigarette. “I know Mandy is a keen supporter of the Liberal Democrats and will be offering her fulsome support for us from the afterlife – it’s just a shame we can’t get her registered as a voter up there, although we have still got her postal vote forms for safe keeping,” he joked.

Popular singer Rachael Stevens was also quick to praise Ms Skinner’s brave endeavour. “I know how difficult it can be for sensitive people like us to put ourselves in the public eye when we are not looking our best,” she explained during a photo-shoot for “Lads in the Kitchen” magazine, wearing only two strategically placed button mushrooms and a large shitake. “My own Aunt was also rushed to hospital recently with suspected stomach cancer and although it turned out that she was actually suffering from chronic indigestion after overdoing the sprouts at lunch, it gave me a real insight into the pain cancer sufferers must endure. I’ve dedicated a song on my new CD to Mandy, just to let her know that we’re all rooting for her in her fight to overcome this dreadful disease, even though she hasn’t.”

Ms. Skinner’s agent did agree that the timing of her death was mildly inconvenient, although he promised it would not interfere with her promotional tour for Cancer charities and her new book “Against the Odds – My Struggle To Beat The Cancer They Said Would Kill Me In 6 Months,” which she finished two months ago.

Ms. Skinner will take part in the relay from a specially designed glass vehicle. In order to accommodate Olympic rules that the bearer of the torch must move propel themselves using their own body, Ms. Skinner will be connected to an innovative motor that derives its energy from methane produced by her slowly rotting corpse. It is also expected that she will begin her effort at the top of Primrose Hill to help overcome any mechanical failures, with an escort of celebrities waiting at the bottom of the hill to help avert any embarrassing overruns

The celebrations surrounding this unique event were marred however when a fight broke out amidst Ms. Skinner’s celebrity friends over who should act as escorts on her journey. Mr. Motivator, claimed his right to stand at the front as, even though he had never met her, his own struggle to overcome “media wasting disease” mirrored that of Mandy’s. However, Trojan and Will Carling both declared that they should claim prime position as they had enjoyed brief relationships with the ex-model, which would be appearing in the Sunday papers. As fists began to fly, Ms Skinner’s agent was able to deny reports of her guest appearance on Big Brother as it was felt unlikely that “any of the current contestants would try to shag her.”

Author’s note: Government’s love to ban things, especially things that give pleasure.

In response to grave concerns from the health profession about the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS, the Government has confirmed that it is to ban sex “in all its many and various gooey, sticky and death-dealing forms”

The move follows on from efforts to ban smoking in all public places as a result of the “tidal wave of death” caused by passive smoking. Government sex spokesman, Derek Gadd, explained the thinking behind the move. “It’s a fact that sexual activity in this day and age is carried out for pleasure rather than procreation,” explained Mr. Gadd as he attempted to peel apart the pages of the “fully illustrated and uncensored” Government report on sexual activity “Hot and Horny – Sex in the UK.” Mr. Gadd continued, “You just have to look at the rising numbers of people dying from AIDS, hepatitis and other sexually-transmitted diseases to see that this has got to stop.”

The Government has placed an immediate ban on all forms of sex including “intercourse, sodomy, rogering, todgering, frottaging, fossicking and don’t get me started on oral sex,” explained Mr. Gadd, as he attempted to figure out the correct angle from which to view the centrefold in the Government report. The ban will cover both heterosexual and homosexual activity, with Mr. Gadd confirming that lesbian sex would also be banned as there were “real concerns over infected fingers, or, God help us, tongues.”

For couples wishing to reproduce, the Government would put in place a variety of measures. Invitations to tender have already been issued to private contractors to outsource all UK sexual activity. Techniques include “offshore insemination” with large numbers of lower paid nations servicing the population. Artificial insemination will also be available on the National Health Service as well as privately via DIY stores and chemists. Mr Gadd then demonstrated the Government approved “BigBoy” AI syringe complete with interchangeable heads and “realistic pumping action.”

In order to wean people off their sex habit the Government will also provide a number of “sex substitutes.” These include “a nice hot cup of tea, a good book or a brisk walk.” For hardened addicts, the Government will be be providing a ten point guide to masturbation and “unlimited supplies of Vaseline and Kleenex.”

Members of the Government were unavailable for comment, but were reported to be “spending more time with their families” prior to the ban coming into force.

Author’s note: The occupation of Iraq continued to generate grim news, with allegations of torture backed up by both real photos and faked ones (thanks to that cunt Piers Morgan).

The US Government issued a furious denial today that the recently released photos of Iraqi prisoners showed torture and oppression claiming that they were “happy holiday snaps” that had been “completely misrepresented”.

The photos fell into the hands of reporters on CBS’s ’60 Minutes’ news programme owing to a delivery error at “Happy Snaps” photo processors. The pictures were taken by Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary of Defense, during a visit to Iraq designed to promote it as a “haven of peace” and an “excellent holiday destination, offering something for everyone – sun, sea and shi’ites.”

The trip to Iraq was also designed as a morale booster for troops and it was whilst engaging on what Mr. Rumsfeld referred to as “a little good natured horseplay” with the troops and some “friendly locals” that he took the snaps. Most of the photos were taken during a game of “Guantanamo rules charades”…

Iraq is thought to appeal to those in search of adventure holidays. Top holiday pundit, Derek Gadd, explained that traditional adventure holidays offered “mundane thrills” such as abseiling, white water rafting or sky-diving. “Yawn yawn,” claimed Mr Gadd, “You haven’t experienced the real thrill of adventure until your Holiday Autos Nissan Micra has been reduced to a smouldering pile of metal by 15 ex-Soviet armour piercing shells or you’ve spent 15 weeks eating cockroaches in some Mujahadeen’s mouldy basement.”

“We are about to offer a new Club 18-30 tour,” continued Mr Gadd. “After all the average life expectancy of most visitors is between 18 and 30.”

Author’s note: Cyprus was being admitted to the EU before they’d sorted out their separation, and the Greeks were using it as an opportunity to stick it to the Turks. Poor old Kofi Annan was well pissed off but surely one man could come up with a solution.

A final solution to the seemingly intractable division between the Greek and Turkish communities of Cyprus was announced yesterday as David Copperfield confirmed that as a part of his next magic show in May he would “use the forces of mind control, dextrous hand movements and a 47inch Stihl power saw” to separate North and South Cyprus.

The audacious plan to tear the two halves of the island asunder comes after Kofi Annan, the Secretary General of the United Nations, had to be physically restrained from attempting to split the island apart with “a woodman’s axe, a splitting wedge and a large sledgehammer.” Mr. Annan had sneaked into the centre of the Green Line in Nicosia at midnight to vent his frustration after the Greek Cypriots voted against his plans to unify the two island communities.

On being prevented from implementing his “permanent separation” Mr. Annan then proposed a further set of strategies to “give Cyprus the future it deserved.” These included “towing it out to sea and sinking it, using it as a French nuclear test site, setting it up as a SARS research community” and, most controversially, “offering it the protection of a UN defence force, similar to those used in Rwanda or Srebrenica”

Only after being forced to abandon these ideas did Mr. Annan return to the plan for physically separating the island. Mr. Annan made initial attempts to implement this by purchasing a set of “Acme Earthquake Seeds” after witnessing their effectiveness in a Road Runner cartoon. On being advised that these may be a “little hard to come by” he then contacted David Copperfield having watched the beetle-browed conjurer make the Statue of Liberty disappear “before my very eyes” on a video of highlights from Mr. Copperfield’s act.

Mr Copperfield has already begun assembling the set for the “Giant Saw of Cypriot Separation” as the act will be known. Once separated, Mr. Copperfield has also offered, for an extra fee, to cloak the whole of Northern Cyprus is a giant satin curtain and make it disappear completely, freeing the EU of the embarrassment of having to admit a Muslim country into its bosom.

If the act successful, Mr. Copperfield promises to take the show on the road and use it to deliver peace to other communities riven by hate. He has already received bookings from Bosnia, Somalia and Israel, although he concedes that Israel will require a special jigsaw attachment in order to “cut out all of the fiddly little bits that will make up the Palestinian state.”

Author’s note: Tony Blair continued as Prime Minister and it seemed he may go on forever

Sources close to the Government confirmed today that plans had been put in place to ensure that Tony Blair. The Prime Minister, could lead the Labour Party and the country “for ever and bloody ever, amen”

The plans follow on from growing rumours that the Prime Minister did not intend to step down until he had “absolutely trounced” Margaret Thatcher’s term of office. Initial plans to lead the country through a third Labour administration were apparently dismissed as “too timid” by Mr. Blair as he declared his desire to “go on and on. And on and on and on. And on”

Rejuvenating drugs have already been purchased in massive quantities and Mr. Blair’s fitness regime has been boosted to ensure he will be in the prime of juvenile health in time for the next election. As he jogged furiously on the spot, Mr. Blair declared that he had “the body of 20 year old,” although his advisors were quick to point out that rumours of several organ transplants from immigrant teenagers were “pure speculation.”

It is felt that Mr. Blair has plans to go even further and has ordered the immediate investigation of his cryogenic preservation to ensure that he will be able to continue to lead the country into a “4th, 5th, 6th and beyond” term of Government. Sketches removed from Number 10’s waste paper bins reveal a set of drawings showing Mr. Blair entombed in large freezer with electrodes protruding from his head being surrounded by an adoring electorate bearing placards emblazoned “All Hail Tony’s 100th year in office.”

Mr. Blair is also believed to be urgently investigating potential options for time travel. Department of Transport spokesman Derek Gadd denied that the production of a full scale prototype Tardis was in anyway related to the Prime Minister’s stated wish to go back in time and restart his term of office. Claims that the Prime Minister believed he “could sort out the Health Service by implementing a comprehensive metrics based infrastructure” in 1945 have also been denied. Mr Gadd did however concede that Mr Blair had mentioned that he “could show that King Solomon a thing or two. And as for Churchill. Pah! I’ll show him how a war leader should act.”

It is not yet known how Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister’s likely successor, feels about the developments. However, his recent decision to award the Ministry of Defence a grant of several billion pounds to develop a “cybernetic army” that could be used to defeat an “evil power crazed genetically enhanced super-leader – just in case one ever appears” has raised some concerns.

The Prime Minister’s official spokesman has dismissed rumours that Mr. Blair is also seeking out routes to immortality as “ridiculous” and explained that the Downing Street reception for “300 16-year-old virgins” was simply a celebration of youth culture and the goats head and ceremonial dagger the Prime Minister was wearing were merely “bling accessories lent to him by his good friend David Beckham.”

Author’s note: When it comes to it, I am a critical supporter of Israel. It is sometimes it’s own worst enemy, however.

Israel has extended it plans for “targeted assassinations” of its potential enemies to cover “absolutely everyone in the entire world”

The plan has been developed by Ariel Sharon after the recent hostile reaction to Israel’s assassination of two Hamas leaders, proposals to pull out of Gaza and musings on the likely fate of Yasser Arafat. Initially Mr Sharon proposed broadening the definition of “potential enemies” to cover all Palestinians. However, Mr. Sharon felt that this let a great number of other “shifty-eyed Arab types” off the hook and extended the definition to cover “all peoples of the Middle East”. At this moment, his defence secretary, Shaul Mofaz, pointed out that there were also many other Muslim nations throughout Africa and Asia and Mr Sharon agreed to extend the target to cover these two continents.

As Mr Sharon started to draw up plans to deal with these various “likely insurgents,” further hostile reaction to Israel’s plans was expressed from other parts of the world. At this point, Mr Sharon immediately declared all the countries of the European Union “enemies of Israel” making special mention of the “barbarian leader of France, Jacques Chirac,” and declaring that he would personally carry out the dispatch of the French President at the next inter-Governmental conference “probably by stuffing the EU declaration of human rights down his fat French throat”

Russia was then swiftly added to the list of targets for “wearing silly fur hats”, closely followed by Antarctica for “harbouring several suspicious penguins” and South America for “being in possession of a large quantity of spicy food.” Mr Sharon was then informed of “serious reservations” expressed about the policy by Condoleeza Rice, at which point he added North America to the list, inviting “Nancy-boy Bush” out for a fight adding “name your time, name your place, name your weapon. I’ll be waiting, you great Southern poof.”

Mr Sharon denied that the continued extensions of the assassination policy were being carried out in a fit of pique. “It is simply ridiculous; no one has shown more tolerance or forbearance than me. Just look at my record in the Lebanon during the 1980s. If those Palestinian refugees hadn’t displayed obvious terrorist tendencies, such as demanding their homes back or calling me a fat, ugly, corrupt megalomaniac, I wouldn’t have been forced to execute 2,000 of them.”

However, in a surprise twist, Hamas has welcomed Israel’s declaration and announced that Hamas has elected Ariel Sharon as its leader after a secret ballot. Calling Mr. Sharon “the voice of reason,” Hamas went on to declare that, “He calls for the destruction of all unbelievers in the world. This is a man who speaks our language. And of course, now he’s our leader, he’ll be top of his own assassination list. Top hole!”

Author’s note: Poor old Mel Gibson. He’s clearly got serious mental health and addiction issues, but unfortunately they are the wrong ones to evoke sympathy. So when he’s drunk as skunk shouting horrible things about Jews no one seems to think this might be a mental health issue and he’s just condemned as a racist. In these situations I try and adopt the wisdom of Ray Charles. Elvis Costello, in a drunken argument with the Stephen Stills band, called Ray Charles a “blind ignorant nigger”. Sometime later, someone asked Charles what he thought of this. He shrugged and said “That’s just drunk talk. You should never listen to drunk talk”. Anyway, Mel made a film about Jesus

Comprehensive analysis of the Turin Shroud by scientists has revealed a second face on the hallowed relic and further detailed examination by the Vatican has now confirmed that it is the countenance of Mel Gibson.

Mr. Gibson, a famous Hollywood actor and director, is a committed Catholic and has recently courted controversy and praise for his visceral film version of the final 12 hours of Christ’s life. Although unconfirmed, it appears that Mr Gibson was given access to the shroud on his recent visit to the Vatican and some confusion may have arisen with Mr. Gibson reportedly using the shroud as a face towel having visited the bathroom.

These reports have been fervently denied and followers of Mr. Gibson are declaring the appearance of his face as a miracle and are forming themselves into a new religious order of Saint Mel, Son of Gib. Many of his acolytes have taken to wearing devotional clothing, much of it based on Mr. Gibson’s most successful films. Explaining his “miraculous conversion” Derek of Braveheart, formerly known as Derek Gadd, dressed in a kilt, tam o’shanter and with his face painted blue claimed that he had experienced his own miracles since following “Saint Mel.”

Mr. Gadd has reportedly developed a Stigmata at every Easter since becoming a devotee. “I wake up on Easter Sunday and within minutes I have these strange holy markings of Mel on my face and hands,” explained Mr. Gadd adopting the strong Australian accent favoured by followers. “They’re brown and taste of chocolate and stay there for most of the day but have disappeared by the Monday. I also frequently experience a religious tummy ache. It truly is a sign of Mel’s suffering”

“I started to follow the Lord our Mel many years ago, prior to the schism between the orthodox Mad Max sect and apostolic Braveheart group,” continued Mr. Gadd. “Although I flirted with minor branches of Melanism, including Patriotism, Lethal Weaponism and, briefly, Bird on a Wireism, I realised that Braveheartery was the true incarnation of Mel. I hope that the sects can be reconciled, but I find talk of the trinity of Braveheart, Patriot and Holy Max blasphemous.”

Mr. Gibson himself has now taken to wearing a rough tunic and dispensing advice and wisdom to his followers. His ten commandments, which he has bought down from the Sacred Mount of Hollywood, include “Thou shalt not worship false Gods, especially Jewish ones,” “Thou shalt not make burnt offerings, verily take thy shrimp off the barbie before it smoketh” and “Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours wife and if he covert thine thou shalt be entitled to kick his ass, but not covert it, obviously”

As Mr. Gibson ascended into heaven on what observers described as an “Independence Day style levitational device” it was declared that he would soon return to Earth to bring peace, harmony and “a 4th movie in the lucrative Mad Max franchise.”

Author’s note: The civil service went on strike. No one noticed.

The UK stood on the brink of “total breakdown” today as 100,000 civil servants withdrew their labour imperilling vital services for the nation.

The strike represents a co-ordinated industrial action by a number of key civil service departments is in response to “appalling pay and conditions” experienced by the “vast majority” of civil servants. Strike leader for the Department of Paperclip Administration, Derek “Fidel” Gadd promised widespread misery for the country unless his demands were met. “Let the nation know the despair of improperly bound reports and loosely attached memoranda” he yelled via a loud hailer to the massed ranks of “fastening and attachment operatives” outside their offices in Bermondsey.

Mr Gadd was supported in his exhortations by Stephen “Dark” Knight, senior administrative assistant for the Department of Adding Up in the Office of National Statistics. Mr. Knight pointed out the many hours of arduous cumulating, collating and “occasionally inventing” statistics that his fellow officers had to carry out. “Many of us are expected to start before 10:00 and leave after 4PM, with only the occasional lunch hour, flexitime holiday, stress related sick leave visit to Alton Towers, working day at home or offsite training week to sustain us.”

Police have confirmed that they had switched to a state of high alert in anticipation of widespread panic as the public learned of delays to issuing industrial growth figures and anxious unemployed students were told of postponed jobseeker assessment interviews. A series of emergency measures has been put in place to provide coverage for the lost services. A contingent of ancillary police workers is already producing large numbers of meaningless reports filled with incomprehensible figures for release to the public. These are allegedly based on the officers’ own timesheets and senior officers’ expenses claims.

The army also remains on standby with a selection of Sergeant Majors ready to take over at job centres as soon as the need arises. The NCO’s will provide mentoring, counselling and “shouting very loudly” services to the unemployed. “We have undergone extensive training in yelling ‘Get back to work you ‘orrible, lazy scum’ and ‘What do you mean your disabled? Let’s see how disabled you are when I chase you round the parade ground with this bayonet sticking up your arse?’ at the good-for-nothing slackers, I mean unfortunately jobless,” shouted Sergeant Major Chris Jones, marching up and down a local job centre, beating the hands of job seekers with his parade stick.

Strike leaders have promised further industrial action with even larger numbers of civil servants throwing down their biros and refusing to action Government information leaflets, provide new reports on ethnicity in central Birmingham or distribute farming subsidies. The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, has promised to look into the pay claims, shortly after completing the next round of redundancies and “just as soon as I’ve finished laughing.”