Author’s note: We’d invaded Iraq and were still pretending the WMD existed and would be found. Just like other things…

Tony Blair, the Prime Minister, remains “hugely confident” that the Loch Ness monster will be found “within the next few weeks” and is prepared to “bet that anyone who says otherwise will be looking pretty silly very shortly, dear me yes.”

The Prime Minister’s assertions come after the resignation of Dr. Jonathan Selby, Emeritus Professor of Unexplained Phenomena and Attractions for Gullible Tourists at the University of Aberdeen. Dr. Selby had spent several years using a variety of methods to search for the fabled beast. These included radar, a miniature submarine and a “host of Scottish revellers in the world’s largest simultaneous recitation of the poetry of Rabbie Burns.”

Another attempt to lure the animal from the depths using a “large hook baited with finest malt whisky” only succeeded in capturing Charles Kennedy and Robin Cook, who were reportedly campaigning in the area at the time. Dr. Selby finally admitted defeat after the entire loch was drained in an ultimately fruitless search for the elusive creature. Few now believe that the Loch Ness Monster will ever be found, despite the Prime Minister insisting that the large number of “ferocious looking catfish” were “very suspicious” and pointing out a “Nessie like skeleton” that turned out to be an old supermarket trolley. Mr. Blair, however, remains adamant that the intelligence reports gathered over several decades are accurate.

At a press conference, he held a flash photograph of Nessie taken by 73 year old Hamish McGinty at 11:30PM outside the “Awld Reekie” public house. Whilst admitting that to the “untrained eye” the photo could have been mistaken for a child’s inflatable rubber ring, complete with pink horses head, floating on the surface of the loch, Mr. Blair described in detail, using an elaborate set of arrows, annotated figures and “industrial style laser pointers”, the key features on the photo that revealed it to be the Loch Ness Monster. These included “a monster like head, proximity to Loch Ness and several other features which are still top secret.” Mr. Blair also described the photographer’s encounter with the fearsome creature. “Mr. McGinty clearly remembers the monster shouting, ‘Watch your step, Hamish’ shortly before it dragged him into the water. He was then attacked by the creature and sustained several injuries. The man is a national hero.”

A subsequent investigation by the military authorities admitted that his injuries were also consistent with “having fallen down a steep bank whilst inebriated.” However, 20th Century Fox has dismissed this report and claims its television special “Hamish McGinty – an all-Scottish hero” featuring Brad Pitt with a Scottish accent and an ill-fitting Tam O’Shanter bravely fighting off 15 “Jurassic Park” style dinosaurs is an accurate representation of the encounter.

Mr. Blair also took the opportunity to reassure the public that the Metropolitan Police was “days away” from finding Lord Lucan, that alien life-forms would soon be detected on Mars and that, in a recent teleconference with the President of the United States, he had been “completely reassured” that it was only a matter of time before the Bigfoot was finally located.

Author’s note: I endured lunch with two friends who were on the Atkins diet and kept spouting a load of pseudo scientific twaddle about how it worked. So I wrote this article as a response. And then, in a bizarre twist a colleague of one of them sent the same article, and he then sent it to me with an outraged “Did you write this?” I’m not sure whether he was more angry that I was taking the mickey out of him or that the Brains Trust actually had real devoted followers, that he knew.

A new diet which is reported to bring dramatic results has been slammed by dieticians and nutritionists as “deeply damaging” and likely to cause “serious long-term harm to our profession”

The diet, which has been enthusiastically embraced by a small group of people, dismissed as “freaks and faddists” by the nutrition industry, is known as the “Eat less and do some exercise, you fat cunt” diet. It does not have the endorsement of any major nutritionist and it comes with no supporting books, videos or sponsorship deals from multi-national food groups. Speaking on behalf of the nutrition industry Dr Chris Jones expressed grave concern about the dangers of the new cult diet. “People are literally sitting at home and cutting back a little bit on the amount they eat without any consultation of our members’ books and without joining any form of support group. Even worse, many are carrying out light exercise, such as walking the dog or going for a short jog, without joining a gym or investing huge amounts in branded sportswear and expensive trainers. If this were to continue, thousands of workers at healthfood shops, gyms and organic farms could be put completely out of business.”

Dr. Jones went on to explain that most modern diet programmes are the results of many hours of research into randomly selecting ingredients, combining them with wholly unrelated metabolic phenomena and then sprinkling in a generous selection of impressive sounding scientific words such as glycolosis and phenotype. The nutritionist then relies on psycho-somatic phenomena for a small short-term loss in weight, before the dieter gives up and selects a new programme. “It’s one lovely virtuous cash-rich cycle,” enthused Dr. Jones.

The diet has taken off in the teeth of a number of other diets that are sweeping the globe. The new “pubic hair” diet is proving particularly popular, combining “extreme waxing” with a diet of oriental leaves and the practise of tantric chi to achieve a balance of life forces as well as sustainable weight loss. “The acolyte is encouraged to grow all of their bodily hair for at least six months, to remove toxins from the body, and then shave it all off,” explained Dr. Jones. “This achieves an immediate weight-loss, sometimes of several pounds in heavily bearded men or women such as Anne Widdecombe.” Other programmes such as the “Atkins Max Lard” diet and the “Shape Up and Sit” chairobics regime are also achieving a rapid take up.

The diet has also been slammed by Government officials as “wanton.” Their concerns were expressed by Health Secretary @@@ who was worried that it could undermine the governments healthy eating programmes

Author’s note: A brief article on the next phase for the famous Labour pledge cards.

The Labour Party has confirmed today that it would soon be launching a new Labour Loyalty Card for its Members of Parliament. The loyalty card, which will replace the previous pledge card, will be carried by each parliamentary member of the Labour Party and entitle the holder to special Labour Party Executive privileges including the use of a “New Labour” lounge, a complimentary handbook on motivational speaking by Peter Mandleson and a 24 hour security monitoring service in case the holder ever wandered “off-message” or was worried they may have lost their majority. The card would operate each time an MP voted on a bill: if the MP voted with the Government they would be able to swipe their card and collect valuable points that could be redeemed for a “new car, exotic holiday or prestigious junior ministerial position.” If they voted against the Government, swiping the card would immediately open an “emergency helpline trapdoor” beneath their feet, allowing the MPs to review their decision locked in a small broom cupboard for a number of days. The accrual of points would lead to Silver, Gold and Platinum membership with greatly enhanced positions of influence. However, those that failed to build up enough points to ensure basic membership would soon find themselves facing de-selection committees. Commenting on the launch of the card, a spokesman for the Labour Party denied that they would be seeking to extend its benefits via an alliance with Tescos, but did hand out promotional leaflets for a new “Labour-To-You” MP delivery service.

Author’s note: The Tories now under “something of the night” Michael Howard were trying to pinch some of the spin doctoring of Labour, which really didn’t suit them at the time.

Michael Howard has confirmed that following the successful launch of his 16 political principles this week, he would be pursuing a parallel career as a motivational speaker.

Sporting a deep mahogany tan and a new set of porcelain replacement teeth, Mr. Howard explained that the he realised there was “great pain” at the heart of the country and that only by “sharing our inner turmoil” could we overcome the nation’s problems together. “Citizens of the United Kingdom, rise up and embrace change, release the latent ambition within yourselves and crush the negative thoughts that confine you,” yelled Mr. Howard to a startled pack of journalists. Holding his arms wide he then attempted to embrace a rapidly fleeing Paul Routledge of the Daily Mirror, encouraging the Political Editor to “lay naked and expose his hidden ying,” at which suggestion Fi Glover of the BBC was violently ill.

A video was then shown of how Mr. Howard had reached inner peace and come up with his deep new political philosophy. In the video Mr. Howard was seen talking earnestly to what the press handout described as “ordinary people”, frequently holding them firmly by the hand with a look of great concern on his face. In other scenes he was seen meditating and sharing “quality time” with great spiritual gurus and close personal friends, including Nelson Mandela, Pope John Paul II and Vaclav Havel, all of whom were played in the video by members of the shadow cabinet “for contractual reasons.”

After the screening, Oliver Letwin explained that Mr Howard had now gone “to a higher place” in which to come up with further core beliefs to inspire the country, hastily drawing a curtain across a doorway to hide a person of similar appearance to Mr. Howard furiously breaking open fortune cookies and writing down their contents.

Mr Howard’s new approach has had some success politically, however. During a New Year debate with the Prime Minister at the House of Commons, Mr. Blair was clearly rattled when during an argument over the European Constitution, Mr. Howard suddenly clutched his temples, adopted a penetrating stare and declared that Mr Blair would soon be meeting a “tall, dark stranger with something of the night about him.” As Mr. Blair struggled to respond, Mr. Howard, now rapidly shuffling a deck of Tarot cards, added that the stranger was “going to kick your arse at the next election. Assuming your heart doesn’t go pop first, cardiac-boy.”

A Conservative Party spokesman confirmed that Mr. Howard would be embarking on a series of motivational meetings with the general public over the coming months and further initiatives could be expected. These are believed to include a book “The Prophesies of Howard,” which demonstrates how ancient pre-incarnations of Michael Howard has prophesised every significant event of the last 5000 years, apart from the poll tax, using arcane language and obscure quatrains. Further innovations may include the compulsory wearing of priestly robes by the shadow cabinet and the mass brainwashing of the entire population to “Vote Howard.”

Author’s note: The europeans sent a space craft to Mars which promptly crashed, despite having music by Blur on it. No one could find it, which reminded me of something else no one could find…

Scientists have confirmed today that after a week of detailed exploration, they have “utterly failed” to detect the presence of weapons of mass destruction on the surface of the Red Planet.

The news follows on from the gloomy conclusion that the European landing craft “Beagle 2” has also been lost. “We assume this must be due to Martian terrorist activity,” explained Colin Pillinger, the lead European Scientist from the European Space Agency HQ in a small portacabin outside Rotterdam. “I can think of no other credible explanation. We spent hours in the control room whistling and shouting ‘Here Boy!’ into the microphone but there’s no sign of it.”

The search was initiated after top US intelligence reports revealed the likelihood of a hostile regime sheltering in the Martian lands. Although classified as “Top Secret”, it is believed that the sources of these reports are “highly credible” and stretch back over many decades. “The original report was produced in the UK as long ago as the start of the last century,” claimed a source who has seen the evidence. “It described in blood-curdling terms the destructive capabilities of the weapons and merciless way in which they were used. Subsequent information includes radio broadcasts and black and white film of the terrorist Martians gleefully using their weapons of mass destruction.”

A spokesman for the US Military was confident that evidence of weapons of mass destruction would be found soon. “We launched our mission to protect the people of Mars and defend freedom. We may never find the actual weapons, but we will find evidence of the weapons programmes. If we fail to find evidence of the programme, we will find evidence that there was evidence of the programme. And if we don’t find that, we’ll make sure we capture a Martian and put him on trial to keep everyone at Fox News happy”

Despite the bullishness of the military, some questions are now being asked after it was revealed that the US Mars Exploration Mission has actually discovered “the biggest oilfield in the Solar System” beneath the Martian surface. Further surprise was expressed when it was revealed that the US lander, Spirit, had been equipped with facilities to immediately begin drilling and extracting this oil “just in case,” as well as planting a large flag in the ground saying “Property of the United States.”

“We believe that we should always be prepared for any eventuality,” claimed the top US mission scientist, Karen Hart. “We just got lucky with randomly landing on top of a massive oil reserve and having the right equipment to exploit it. It was also very convenient that Halliburton just happened to have set up their Martian Sales Office next door to the site the week before, so we could get straight on with awarding contracts. Sheesh; how lucky is that?”

It does appear that the discovery of the oil fields may well prompt different relations with other leaders in the Solar System. George Bush confirmed that he would be reviewing the sanctions against Ming the Merciless on condition that he paid compensation for the “Columbia Shuttle Bombing”

Author’s note: England won the rugby world cup and surely there was political capital to be made…

Tony Blair has denied accusations of “shameless populism” and defended his decision to appoint all 30 of the England squad to the cabinet on the basis of “vital electoral bandwagonism”

“I have selected them not because they are the most popular people in the country at the moment,” claimed Mr Blair from a stretcher outside Downing Street, this morning. “I have selected them because of their political experience – namely none. They are fresh keen minds ready to take on the complex political issues of the day and more importantly be bossed around by me. I’m the captain. I’m the coach. I’m the one who gives the orders round here. It’s a shame certain ex-Chancellors didn’t understand that. Nurse! Fetch me my Jonny Wilkinson Celebratory Drop Kick Oxygen Bottle.”

The effectiveness of the new Cabinet was demonstrated in an early Parliamentary debate following the Queens speech. As Michael Howard, the Leader of the Opposition, stood up to address his concerns regarding the Government’s legislative programme, the Cabinet started to shift uneasily on their seats. As Mr Howard continued, describing the proposals variously as “Nonsense, rubbish, pants” and “Something I’d be embarrassed if my arse had produced,” the Cabinet now formed around the rallying cry of Martin Johnson into a scrum and charged forward. A clearly surprised Mr. Howard, immediately started to re-consider, adding that “On reflection, it’s not that bad really. Actually, parts of it are pretty good. My word is that the time? I must hand over to the Leader of the Liberal-Democrats for his opinion.”

Charles Kennedy, then stood up, clutching a bottle of whisky and attempted to rouse the Liberal-Democratic front bench spokesman into a scrum to meet the rapidly approaching Cabinet. As Mr Kennedy encouraged an apparently terrified Menzies Campbell and Simon Hughes to form a ruck, explaining that he was right behind them – and a wall of another 15 Lib-Dem MP’s – he too started to have second thoughts as to the merits of the Government proposals. Commenting that he “hadn’t really had time to look at it” and “that he didn’t want to come to any hasty conclusions” he finished with an exhortation to his team to “get in there and fight” before excusing himself and disappearing into the Stranger’s Bar.

The new Cabinet have also been demonstrating its abilities on the world stage. As the new Foreign Secretary, Jonny Wilkinson, met with his European counterparts, he demonstrated the UK’s opinion of the new European Constitution by grabbing the draft from Romano Prodi and drop kicking it over the heads of the assembled dignitaries.

Conservative Party attempts to counter the new Government by employing members of the English Football team have met with less success, however. At the launch, the new Shadow Home Secretary, David Beckham, attempted to read from a prepared speech but after admitting that he knew very little about immigration policy, he launched an alternative policy on hair care products and soft drinks. However, at this point a fight erupted between other members of the shadow cabinet over “who should have first go in roasting Anne Widdecombe.”

Reports that the Liberal Democrats have attempted to replace their front bench with the members of the victorious Scottish Ladies Olympic Curling Team have been strenuously denied.

Author’s note: If I could get one story out of a dodgy footman, I could get two. Comedy Gold.

Following on from the latest scandal involving a reporter posing as Royal footman, the Brains Trust can reveal that the extent of falsehood runs much deeper within the Palace.

An extensive study of Royal records by renowned Royalologist Derek Gadd has revealed a number of inconsistencies and inaccuracies within the lineage. “My attention was first drawn to the suspicious lack of surnames for any of them. Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Princess Anne – they could be anyone, just turning up and calling themselves what they like. So I decided to look a bit deeper and discovered that these people are not who they claim.”

According to Mr. Gadd, ‘Queen’ Elizabeth is actually drag artist Keith Stopes of Bermondsey, who was plucked from a double act at Madame Jo Jo’s, the renowned London gay club and cabaret venue. Famous for his love of exotic and ostentatious costumes, Mr. Stopes was one of the most popular acts, frequently leading singalongs with his broad cockney accent and cheeky wide-buy banter. His partner in the act was Philpos, an immigrant Greek dancer. He was another well beloved performer, with his mangled syntax and astonishing plate smashing routine. “He used to launch the plates above the audience and blast away at them with his shotgun,” claimed Mr. Gadd. “He’d occasionally get one of audience

Research has revealed that after visiting the Palace in the early 1950’s to perform their cabaret, Mr. Stopes and Philipos never performed at Madame Jo Jo’s again and no trace of them can be found. Mr Gadd also claims that others in the Royal household are also not who they claim to be.

“Prince Charles is actually the simple minded son of the Palace gardener,” explained Mr Gadd, enthusiastically leafing through photo’s of the Palace staff from the 1960’s. One photo shows a jug eared man with buck teeth standing behind his prize winning marrow with his young son of similar appearance. Writing on the back says simply, “Head Gardener Windsor with his prize winning marrow and other vegetable.” Mr Gadd believes that Charles would be happily leading a simple life tending his beloved plants, if he hadn’t been seduced by a nymphomaniac socialite Diana in the 1970’s. “The poor chap didn’t know what had hit him,” said Mr. Gadd. “She would cop off with anyone. She makes Paris Hilton look like the Virgin Mary. The video of her and the band of the Blues and Royals including their ceremonial goat defies belief. It’s just lucky that Charles’s Mother, Camilla, has taken such a special interest in tending to his needs. She even shares his bedroom to cope with any midnight accidents.”

Mr. Gadd also provided evidence for many other members of the so-called Royal Family. “Prince Andrew – the first picture of him is aged 24 standing behind the Queen on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, looking rather surprised and wearing a baseball cap and T-shirt saying ‘University of Minneapolis. UK Basketball Tour ’82.’ According to those present at the time, he was trying to find his way to the toilet.  Prince Harry, the son of a local Guardsman. Prince William, the local window cleaner. Prince Edward, I’ve not been able to figure out what he does, and neither has anyone else at the Palace”

Mr. Gadd has spent many years attempting to trace the real Royal Family. Although he has been unsuccessful, his search has revealed that they live in the Beckenham area. “Although it’s difficult to be precise, it appears that the name of the latest heir is David. Beyond that trying to find out any more of David of Beckenham is nearly impossible, but I’m sure he must try and sneak into Buckingham Palace occasionally.”

Author’s note: A Daily Mirror journalist got a job at the Palace using false references and was promptly arrested. If they could do it, then surely the Brains Trust could manage it too.

The Brains Trust found itself at the centre of a national scandal after one of its reporters managed to infiltrate the security at Buckingham Palace and claim a job as a Royal Equerry.

Mustapha Al-Maquaab recently joined the Brains Trust staff after a spell as a foreign correspondent in the Middle East. Although a relatively unknown figure, Mr Al-Maquaab has worked as a war journalist in both Afghanistan and Iraq, managing to infiltrate both countries a long time before actual war broke out. He cuts a memorable figure, with a large selection of scars, an eye patch and hook replacing one hand, although he is reticent about his talents and refuses any interviews on his past, especially from the police or security services.

Editor in Chief of the Brains Trust, Carroll, explained that he had been particularly impressed with Mr Al-Maquaab’s knowledge of protocol and keenness to “get in and explore” the UK’s premier institutions and buildings. “He was always hanging around the Houses of Parliament, American Embassy and our major military installations. The moment I asked for volunteers for the Buckingham Palace job, his hook was straight up in the air,” confirmed Carroll. “I was a little concerned that he wouldn’t fit in at the Palace, what with his continual cries of ‘Death to the infidels!’ and fondness for plane spotting, but he insisted on going for an interview”

The position of Royal Equerry was advertised at the local Westminster Job Centre and in the journal “Palace & Servant Monthly.” Mr Al-Maquabb applied for the position and was immediately awarded an interview with Lord Lieutenant Charles Fortesque –Palmer. “I believe Lord Fortesque-Palmer was keen to fill the single ethnic minority slot that had been pending at the Palace for the last 5 years,” explained Carroll. The Palace performed the interview, eschewing the usual questions about relevant experience and security matters, instead concentrating on whether Mr Al-Maquabb “was a poofter who liked blabbing to the press.” The Palace did try to confirm Mr Al-Maquabb’s references with “M. Mouse, Disneyland, Paris” but were unable to find anyone who spoke French or Murine. They were similarly unable to contact “D. Dare, Venus” and so took this testimonial on trust, as “Captain Dare was a military hero”.

Once Mr. Al-Maquabb started his duties he immediately struck up a rapport with a number of members of the Royal household, reportedly telling one colleague, “With my war record, loathing of homosexuals and women and fondness for shooting, I have really hit it off with Prince Philip.” The plan was then for Mr Al-Maquabb to take photos of the interior of the Palace for the Brains Trust and record movements of members of the Royal family. However, he reportedly insisted on “really testing out the security” by attempting to secrete anthrax into the Corgis food and smuggle a loaded snub nose revolver into Palace. Carroll drew the line when it was discovered that Al-Maquabb had tried to take a small nuclear device disguised as an extra large tiara into work with him.

The Palace has launched an immediate investigation into security but has issued a statement claiming that it is “certain there won’t be any further lapses now we’ve employed our new heads of security Sam Husain and Oswald Binlander”

Author’s note: As we currently find ourselves in the 100th year of a Conservative government, we forget that the previous Labour administration was actually pretty tough on the wrong sort of immigrant (ie non-white ones).

David Blunkett, the Home Secretary, announced a new set of measures for dealing with recalcitrant immigrants, promising a policy that would be “tough on asylum seekers and tough on the families of asylum seekers.”

Mr Blunkett made the announcement to a packed press conference at Heathrow Airport. “This is a plan that will only be used for the most extreme of circumstances” claimed Mr Blunkett, grabbing the ear of a passing tourist’s child and twisting it, to demonstrate some of the persuasive techniques he intended to adopt. “Initially we shall seize the wife and children of any asylum seekers and imprison the children in a Perspex case above the Thames and refuse to feed them anything. We reckon they’ll be able to last for several weeks in these conditions although they may find the industrial scale barbeque and pig roast we are planning on setting up beneath it a lttle distracting. Of course we won’t be restricting their access to fluids and will allow them to drink their own urine. We’re not animals you know.”

Mr Blunkett continued by explaining that if the asylum seekers or “freeloading darkies” as he repeatedly referred to them, still refused the offer of a luxury, no-expense-spent, EasyJet flight and parachute to their home country “or somewhere fairly close”, the Government would have no choice but to take further measures. “We could certainly envisage some sort of poking of children with sharp sticks, or possibly some minor cigarette burns. But the plans are still in the consultative phase at the moment.”

It is also expected that Mr Blunkett will be looking into other measures. “I am not able to say precisely what these may entail for reasons of vital national security,” he intoned darkly. “However, we shall be looking into a camp similar to Guantanamo Bay, although ours will be situated on the Isle of Wight. There are many similarities between the two locations; the Isle of Wight is a protectorate of the UK, yet is a place which operates a totally separate way of life, that no one wants to visit and those who are there are desperate to get off.” The children would be held under 24 hour surveillance and would be denied access to any legal representation, although they would be represented in a military tribunal by Lance Corporal Kevin Trugg, of the Grenadier Guards. “Corporal Trugg has great experience in post banging, latrine emptying and ditch digging. So if he can’t dig this lot out of the shit, I don’t know who can,” joked Mr Blunkett. Mr Blunkett also refused to rule out torture and possible execution, although he was adamant that these would only be used “as a last resort. Literally.”

The Conservatives have condemned the measures as “outrageously harsh and uncaring – totally unlike us when we were in power.” “If I was still Home Secretary, I’d personally welcome each and every immigrant with a warm blanket and a lovely hot bowl of soup,” claimed Michael Howard, denying charges of shameless opportunism. “I’d then rush them to the nearest five-star hotel and treat them to a relaxing sauna and a new set of designer clothes. And have I mentioned my new policy to cut taxes, improve public services and give everyone a present at Christmas?”

Mr Blunkett dismissed the Tory policies as “softy, cotton wool, lambykin treatment for evil immigrants” before going on to challenge Mr Howard to a fight and announce further measures including “garrotting, anal insertion of red hot pokers and other traditional forms of encouragement. DVD copy of the ‘Good Old Days,’ anyone?”

Author’s note: Georgia, or at least the north part of it, was invaded by Russia in a move that presaged the annexation of the Crimea. Prior to that it was already tying itself in knots over elections. It seemed comedy gold that the US would confuse it.

The United States government has confirmed that it has launched an “all out invasion” of Georgia in an effort to ensure the installation of “democracy, justice and lovely, lovely peace”

The US is believed to be responding to the “crisis in democracy” that has afflicted Georgia in recent weeks. Speaking to the world’s press Colonel Hugo ‘HZH’ Hackenbush claimed that the use of force was essential to return the country to a democracy as quickly as possible. “We will be thanked by a grateful local population for liberating them from the yoke of an evil oppressor,” claimed the Colonel, furiously leafing through a Fodor’s Guide to Eastern Europe. “Does anyone know what the capital of this place is?”

Plans for the liberation of the country are still in the preliminary stages but Colonel Hackenbush outlined the high-level approach. “1) Carpet bomb all populated areas. 2) March in with large numbers of troops and artillery. NB Ensure you do not confuse matters by having people familiar with local customs, terrain, language or culture. 3) Install US citizen who has never been abroad as local leader. 4) Receive tumult of praise from grateful nation.”

When asked about the “democracy” part of the plan, Colonel Hackenbush hastily added “5) Install democracy. Eventually.” The colonel explained that his forces would also be seeking the rapid capture of the “evil dictator Shoveitarsey”. “Does this guy have a moustache, by the way? How about military fatigues? Palaces? What’s his video collection like?”

However, the former Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze is seeking to counter both local and US moves against him by petitioning the United States Supreme Court to declare him the winner of the recent election. “The Court’s willingness to resolve elections decisively without excessive hand-wringing over the validity of specific votes has been a beacon of inspiration to millions across the globe,” said Shevardnadze’s petition to the Court. “It would be disastrous if the so-called principle of majority rule were allowed to ride roughshod over the people’s will,” the petition continued. “We accordingly request the court to declare Mr. Shevardnadze the President of Georgia at its earliest convenience,” the petition concluded. Shevardnadze added a handwritten note at the end of the petition. “It would be great if you guys could get to this by the end of the week! Thanks — Ed,” the note read. “This is just one of those personal human touches that makes Eddie — we all call him Eddie — so lovable,” said a Shevardnadze spokesman.

Commentators are sceptical as to the likelihood of success of this approach. “The Supreme Court will be too busy upholding the indefinite imprisonment of foreigners to worry about this pipsqueak affair,” said Dr. Derek Gadd, Director of the Institute of Results-Oriented Justice at Pepperdine University.

In an unrelated move, President George Bush has just declared a state of emergency in the US state of Georgia and has urgently requested a “large selection of maps”