Entire Royal Family “revealed as impostors”

Author’s note: If I could get one story out of a dodgy footman, I could get two. Comedy Gold.

Following on from the latest scandal involving a reporter posing as Royal footman, the Brains Trust can reveal that the extent of falsehood runs much deeper within the Palace.

An extensive study of Royal records by renowned Royalologist Derek Gadd has revealed a number of inconsistencies and inaccuracies within the lineage. “My attention was first drawn to the suspicious lack of surnames for any of them. Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Princess Anne – they could be anyone, just turning up and calling themselves what they like. So I decided to look a bit deeper and discovered that these people are not who they claim.”

According to Mr. Gadd, ‘Queen’ Elizabeth is actually drag artist Keith Stopes of Bermondsey, who was plucked from a double act at Madame Jo Jo’s, the renowned London gay club and cabaret venue. Famous for his love of exotic and ostentatious costumes, Mr. Stopes was one of the most popular acts, frequently leading singalongs with his broad cockney accent and cheeky wide-buy banter. His partner in the act was Philpos, an immigrant Greek dancer. He was another well beloved performer, with his mangled syntax and astonishing plate smashing routine. “He used to launch the plates above the audience and blast away at them with his shotgun,” claimed Mr. Gadd. “He’d occasionally get one of audience

Research has revealed that after visiting the Palace in the early 1950’s to perform their cabaret, Mr. Stopes and Philipos never performed at Madame Jo Jo’s again and no trace of them can be found. Mr Gadd also claims that others in the Royal household are also not who they claim to be.

“Prince Charles is actually the simple minded son of the Palace gardener,” explained Mr Gadd, enthusiastically leafing through photo’s of the Palace staff from the 1960’s. One photo shows a jug eared man with buck teeth standing behind his prize winning marrow with his young son of similar appearance. Writing on the back says simply, “Head Gardener Windsor with his prize winning marrow and other vegetable.” Mr Gadd believes that Charles would be happily leading a simple life tending his beloved plants, if he hadn’t been seduced by a nymphomaniac socialite Diana in the 1970’s. “The poor chap didn’t know what had hit him,” said Mr. Gadd. “She would cop off with anyone. She makes Paris Hilton look like the Virgin Mary. The video of her and the band of the Blues and Royals including their ceremonial goat defies belief. It’s just lucky that Charles’s Mother, Camilla, has taken such a special interest in tending to his needs. She even shares his bedroom to cope with any midnight accidents.”

Mr. Gadd also provided evidence for many other members of the so-called Royal Family. “Prince Andrew – the first picture of him is aged 24 standing behind the Queen on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, looking rather surprised and wearing a baseball cap and T-shirt saying ‘University of Minneapolis. UK Basketball Tour ’82.’ According to those present at the time, he was trying to find his way to the toilet.  Prince Harry, the son of a local Guardsman. Prince William, the local window cleaner. Prince Edward, I’ve not been able to figure out what he does, and neither has anyone else at the Palace”

Mr. Gadd has spent many years attempting to trace the real Royal Family. Although he has been unsuccessful, his search has revealed that they live in the Beckenham area. “Although it’s difficult to be precise, it appears that the name of the latest heir is David. Beyond that trying to find out any more of David of Beckenham is nearly impossible, but I’m sure he must try and sneak into Buckingham Palace occasionally.”