Author’s note: This is a short article that would have appeared in the News in Brief section of the Brains Trust. It has a pop at one of my perennial bugbears: doctors and especially the BMA

Doctors today reacted angrily to the Government’s “continued undermining of our reputations and good standing within the community”. The rebuttal came from BMA Chairman Dr Ian Bogle in a stinging rebuke to the Government. “The public recognise the heartfelt devotion and selfless work carried out by doctors in conditions of squalor and third-world deprivation.” he thundered from the conference, held at the end of a 7 day fact finding mission to Mustique sponsored by Pharmaceutical giant ‘Drugs-U-Like’. “For many years now, we doctors have treated our patients with utter contempt and patronised anyone who questioned us. We paid ourselves huge salaries from the public purse and supplemented our short hours with sloppy work for wretched, desperate but rich private patients. And no one has complained! And if they did, we ensured that they had to report to a self-interested investigation body that makes sure that they never get heard. Suddenly, the Government has suggested that this has to change. They are talking about introducing ‘private’ companies and competition which will completely undermine the NHS ethic of free healthcare for all.” claimed Dr. Bogle as he prepared to leave to attend his private clinic for extraordinarily rich hypochondriacs. He concluded hastily by suggesting that the Government take two Aspirin and call him in the morning.

Author’s note: This is the start of my most productive period at the Brains Trust. It’s interesting to note that the Word document of the original article contains 3 articles, all probably written in quick succession. In other news, I suspect it was the start of my least productive period at proper work (sorry, Logica)

After weeks of secret negotiations, Northern Irish Politicians from all sides joined together today to announce their new alternative peace plan. “In layman’s terms” announced an ecstatic Ian Paisley “it’s an alternative to peace. Basically we all hate each other’s guts and this finally acknowledges that all we want to do is beat the shit out of each other.”

Former terrorist leader Martin McGuiness was equally enthusiastic. “It finally means that I can return to my roots. For too many years, I have been living a lie, pretending to be something I wasn’t. So goodbye mild-mannered Education Minister. Hello, psychopathic mass-murderer. At last, I can get back to shooting Protestants and torturing IRA informers”

In recent days, the British Government and the Irish Taishoch had appeared to be moving towards some sort of settlement. The IRA’s offer to put its weapons beyond use by “covering them up with a tarpaulin – possibly even one weighted down by bricks” had been greeted with rapture. Tony Blair had promised to fully implement the Patten Commission’s recommendations of replacing all the RUC’s firearms with spud guns and changing their name to “Kick me – I’m a Unionist Bigot”. UDA leader ‘Mad Dog’ Adair had made conciliatory noises from his prison cell, explaining that he didn’t necessarily want to “line up all Catholic children and shoot the little bastards” but may be prepared to accept “beating them to within an inch of their lives”. Even the Real IRA had admitted that their policy of “wholesale slaughter of Unionist filth” could be considered a “philosophical stance rather than an actual commitment”

However, it now emerges that a third party had initiated secret negotiations in a similar manner to Norway’s overtures to Israel and Palestine in the 1990’s. In this case, it appears that Iraq contacted both Unionists and Republicans and brokered a way back to all out civil war at a time when the Northern Irish appeared dangerously close to the brink of peace. Negotiations were carried out in a secret country (thought to be Kosovo) that reminded the participants what proper hatred of ones neighbours could achieve.

Author’s note: I loved this article at the time and it’s fairly typical of my emerging style – start with something ludicrous and then add to it. Tom, the Editor in Chief, however declared it trivial and it was never published. I did eventually manage to sneak Ground Force Jihad into an article a couple of years later about war artists in Iraq (along with Trinny and Susannah’s “What not to bomb”).

After an initial flirtation with Islamic influenced versions of its most popular shows, the BBC today announced the next phase in its plan to win back audience share in the increasingly saturated ‘lifestyle’ television sector.

‘Ground Force Jihad – the Holy war on weeds’ will be “the Mother of all lifestyle programmes” declared Greg Dyke, Director General of the BBC, this morning. “An army of Hizbullah Muslim fundamentalists will sweep into your garden and lay waste to everything in it. Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock will then follow on and engage in ethnic cleansing of impure strains of plants, segregating different varieties and dead-heading weak or old members and burying them in an unmarked compost heap at the back of the garden. Mr. Dyke deflected criticism from the early pilots, where the owner’s house, car and children had also been destroyed, describing these as “teething troubles”. “We’ve hired some ex Israeli para-troopers to make sure that the Hizbullah stay in designated areas” he explained.

If the format of combining hard-hitting documentary techniques with popular ‘makeover’ series is successful, several other initiatives are already in development. ‘Changing Rooms with the Real IRA’ invites balaclava clad squads of Irish hoodlums masquerading as freedom-fighters to blow up the living rooms of randomly selected members of the public. ‘Holiday 2002’ with Carol Smilee and the Filipino Abu Sayyaf guerrillas will explore new jungle based adventure holidays with a group of blindfolded B-list television personalities. This format may be extended to create a ‘Survivor’ style game whereby the contestants are executed one by one following a nomination and telephone vote.

Mr. Dyke then went on to explain that the masterminds behind a number of the BBC’s most popular shows had also been sold as consultants to peace-keeping units in some of the world’s worst trouble spots. “Not only will the BBC be helping to promote peaceful co-operation around the world but this will also deliver increasing revenues for quality programme development at the BBC. Our latest endeavour ‘The Weakest Link Topless Mud Wrestling Special’ – hosted by Sara Cox and Anne Robinson – will be entirely funded by this initiative”

Peace keepers in the Arab-Israeli conflict have flown in Lillian Too to employ feng shui techniques in solving the regions problems. Ms. Too explained “It is obvious that the Yin of Palestine is not in alignment of the Yang of Israel. By bringing the two sides together in a Karmically balanced environment with a suitable wind chime we shall see the differences melt away” Ms. Too was last seen cowering under a Karmically balanced table as the two negotiators settled their differences with Karmically balanced automatic rifles and petrol bombs.

Greater success is anticipated by Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen in Macedonia where he blames the conflict on poor quality wall coverings. The addition of chintz and rough silks to the rebel hideouts has already created a more peaceful atmosphere which the rebels were reported to be happy with prior to them being firebombed by the Macedonian armed forces.

Greg Dyke concluded by saying that he was particularly looking forward to the BBC’s toughest challenge – Sir Jimmy Saville hosting a ‘Jim’ll Fix It Special’ for the Conservative Leadership Election: “If we can crack the most malevolent conflict in the world we can crack anything”

Author’s note: Pledge cards. Undoubtedly, a better idea than the Ed Stone

Shocked Labour Party officials issued an urgent recall of their new pledge cards this morning.

A Labour Party spokesman announced that the pledge cards had been found to contain “several dangerous phrases which people might mistake for a commitment to actually do something.” He continued “Clearly this was never the intention of these cards. They were meant more as novelty gifts like the ones you get with a Happy Meal from McDonalds. They were designed to be completely safe in the hands of children under the age of 36 months and our backbenchers.”

The new Pledge Cards were a replacement to the original model released five years ago. This model developed a serious fault mid-way through the last Parliament that caused it to repeatedly blow up in the Government’s face. The new design, which incorporated slicker lines and smoother promises, was expected to have much safer handling.

With the new model containing similar flaws, the Labour Party has now instigated an urgent redesign of the card to remove the offending elements. Several new proto-types have been developed and these are being tried out on focus groups. One version, ‘Mandy’s Mr. Motivator’, comes accompanied by a talking plastic figurine which repeats a few key phrases listed on the card; “Fight don’t quit”, “Everyone else is a loser” and “Never Surrender” are some examples. This version is reported to have been popular with Northern Irish focus groups. Another version, the ‘Probably Card’, lists exactly the same pledges as the Pledge Card but adds the word ‘probably’ to the end of each one.

The Prime Minister denied claims that the party was trying to renege on its commitments or distract the public from real issues with gimmicks or tricks “This Government is determined to deliver on its promises. We are not interested in tittle-tattle or cheap publicity stunts. Ooh, look everyone! A flying saucer!” The Prime Minister then pointed to a rather tatty Thunderbird model which was lowered by a crane and from which John Prescott emerged, dressed in a green space suit, claiming to represent the Government’s approach to ‘blocking the hole in the ozone layer’ and its leadership on green issues.

The Prime Minister then finished with an assurance to the public “What I do say about the new pledge cards is that they will contain no weasel words or mealy mouthed phrases. Our pledges will deliver immeasurable benefit. Our pledges will commit to the future. Our pledges will seize the day and bring in a brighter to-morrow. I mean, how could you think that we’re afraid to make promises? Just look at our commitment to the Euro.”

Author’s note: This was my third submission to the Brains Trust and, lo, it was the lead article in the next edition. It was almost certainly the Heir Apparent pun that did it. Suddenly, I was someone. I had status. People opened doors when I arrived and a table at the Ivy was permanently reserved for me. Happy days

In a surprise move, the Conservative Party announced today that every member of the parliamentary party had now put themselves forward for election as leader.

In a rowdy and frequently bad-tempered press conference all the members packed onto the stage to formally announce their candidacy. Michael Ancram, struggling to make himself heard above the noise, bawled: “This shows the Conservative’s commitment to democracy. No voting stitch-ups or spin doctoring here” He stepped closer to the microphone and continued to yell. “This allows us a period of cool and calm reflection and a chance to define our future in a peaceful and co-operative manner. WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?”

Mr. Ancram was then temporarily drowned out by cries of “Vote for Me” before managing to re-establish his presence with the use of a megaphone, a set of steps and a large baseball bat. He continued explaining his own plans for leadership “I will be standing as the unity candidate behind whom the entire party can pull together – unlike those other divisive little shits” he screamed

Mr Ancram then gave up the floor to Iain Duncan Smith after it appeared that Mr Duncan Smith tipped him off his steps. Mr Duncan Smith then announced that he was also proposing his Labrador, Winston, for the post of leader. “With a name like that, he is sure to appeal to grass roots Tories” he enthused “And let’s face it, he is a damn site more photogenic and has a lot more hair than William Hague”

Commenting from the auditorium after being temporarily thrown off the stage, Mr Portillo dismissed this idea “It’s a ludicrous suggestion” he exclaimed, “I am clearly the heir apparent of the hirsute wing of the party, mainly because my hair is so apparent. Winston has totally misunderstood the issues. I mean he has all over body hair when all that is required is a luxuriant coiffure such as my own.”

Meanwhile, David Davies emerged from under a pile of bodies on the stage from where he had been attempting to get himself recognised. Mr. Davids went on to assure voters that, contrary to rumours, his own wife would be able to pick him out of an identity parade provided he wore some sort of distinguishing feature, such as a fluorescent name tag. Mr. Dafyd, who is reported to have been receiving image consultancy from a shadowy figure known only as ‘Mandy’, then finished with a rousing appeal to the voters “I am a quitter, not a fighter…oh damn it. Peter, can you prompt me, darling?”

Ken Clark, who had now wrestled control of the megaphone from Michael Ancram, outlined his main policy thrust. “We must remove the European poison that has infected our party. I regret the dominance of Europe as the issue at the heart of Conservative politics. We should stop talking to ourselves about Europe and start talking to the electorate about the things that matter to them.” explained Mr. Clark, puffing on a Gauloise and dressed in the beret, stripy blue and white jersey and string of onions that have become his trademark. He finished his speech by encouraging his supporters to join him in a rousing chorus of La Marseillaise

As riot police finally arrived towards the end of the press conference, a spokesman for the party did, however, quash rumours that Foster the Vulture had been nominated for leader. He remarked, “Foster is obviously adept at escaping from tricky situations and has attracted a lot of media attention, but have you seen him? I mean, he really is bald.”

Author’s note: This was the second article I wrote for the Brains Trust. It was also immediately ignored by the editors for being “not very good”.

William Hague, the former leader of the Conservative party, was executed at 12:00GMT today for the “wanton and callous act of wholesale slaughter of 168 Tory party candidates”

William Hague, who was found guilty of the crime on 7^th June, refused any final appeal to the voters, claiming “I haven’t appealed to anyone up to now, and I’m not going to change my strategy at the last minute”

Ironically, in Mr. Hague’s previous job as a management consultant at McKinsey’s, he had been responsible for the process re-engineering of the execution centre to provide a “more customer-facing, less death-centric facilitation unit”. The work meant that the execution could be enjoyed by all of Mr. Hague’s close friends, family and colleagues from the enhanced all-seater viewing area and espresso bar.

Mr. Hague spent his final night in the preparation centre and enjoyed a last meal of black pudding. He was led into the execution cell at 11:35 and was strapped down. At 12:00 precisely he was rendered unconscious with 14 pints of ale and his heart was stopped by removing his wallet and replacing all the 10 pound notes with Euros. He was then terminated via lethal injection of an albino ferret fired from a Howitzer, as pioneered in the BBC’s “Ultimate Killers” programme.

Opinions were sharply divided as to the use of the death penalty. “It’s a barbaric punishment that degrades society by making us the moral equivalent of murderers”, claimed Michael Portillo, in a break from measuring out the curtains for his new top-floor office in Conservative HQ, “However, in the case of William Hague, I’m prepared to make an exception. The last thing we want is him hanging about and embarrassing us like the other ex-leaders”.

However, the Prime Minister had made a last minute appeal for clemency to the Conservatives. “It’s not fair and it’s not right” he claimed “where would we be if we did this to all failed leaders?” Mr Blair was then seen to be nervously eyeing up Gordon Brown as Mr. Brown fingered a large carving knife that he had bought along to “demonstrate how we would achieve cuts in spending”.

George W Bush sent a letter of ‘condolency congratulations’ to the President of France, Snr Jacques Blair. It read, simply; “Nice one”.

Author’s note: this is the first full piece I wrote for the Brains Trust, where it was immediately ignored for being “not very good”. Indeed, it is, at best, mildly amusing, but you have to start somewhere

A leaked report, commissioned by the Government’s Department for Culture, Media and Sport, has revealed that the lyrics of the world’s most popular songs are “nothing but a set of exaggerations, misrepresentations and downright lies”

The Government has set up a number of new focus groups to reach out to young people and find their aspirations and desires for 21^st Century Britain. The first group disbanded when they were only able to interview young people after they had woken up at 2PM and found their main aspirations were to “get pissed and shag”.

A separate group set out to look at the media popular with youth culture. Their first area of study was pop music and they are reported to be shocked at the state of music lyrics. “We started with fairly extreme lyrics, expecting to find examples of disenchantment and futility. Instead, we found someone claiming to be “the real Slim Shady”. On further examination, it appears that this isn’t his real name. Even worse, he is made up from the recycled parts of previous white rappers including Vanilla Ice and Debbie Harry and isn’t real at all.”

The report then goes on to describe further researches. “We decided to look at more mainstream acts, which we felt certain would show greater honesty. We were cruelly deceived. Shania Twain’s hit “You’re still the one” declares her intention to run to her lover. On questioning her, it turns out that she never even broke into a light jog! Ricky Martin’s girlfriend, mentioned in “Livin’ La Vida Loca”, has never expressed a desire to go dancing in the rain and apparently most parties are infinitely superior to an S-Club party.”

Media watcher Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush commented “Pop music affects people when they are at their most impressionable. Now it turns out that most of these groups are nothing but rotten fibbers! I’m concerned that even I may have been misled. I’m going to have words with Elton John to see whether he has ever been in a rocket. And I’m very suspicious about the Beatles claim to have lived in a yellow submarine.”

However, Brit award losing popstar Craig David hit back at the claims but was unable to comment until Sunday when he was expecting to be ‘Chilling’.

Author’s note: We all thought we were terribly clever taking the mickey out of George Bush. And look at who we ended up with for President.

The entertainment industry denied today that it was trivialising the war on terrorism and had reduced complex geo-political tensions to simplistic racial and religious stereotypes. The denial came from Michael Eisner, CEO of The Walt Disney Company, as he launched Disney’s latest theme park “Al Qaeda World.” The new magic kingdom contains a host of new rides, fun characters and NRA sponsored firearms appreciation classes.

Visitors to the park are welcomed by Dubyas and their fickle friends the Yewroes, who are always up to tricks and shenanigans behind the Dubyas’ backs. The Dubyas are the sworn enemies of the Talibannies, evil ugly trolls with long beards and turbans who live in a vast network of caves in the magic mountains near the entrance. The first attraction is a hide and seek style game called “Where’s Osama?” Kids take the role of Dubya’s secret agents and have to search the caves using a battery of high tech equipment for “Osama” another new character, who is the leader the Talibannies and has a larger Turban. Osama has special evil superpowers to help him evade capture, although precisely what these are remains hidden although participants are advised that they are “really, really evil”. Kids must stop him before he flees across the “border” to the evil empires of Iran or Pakistan.

The next attraction, the Talibannies Trail of Terror is based on the traditional ghost train but with an added twist. You walk round a rickety old country with destroyed religious statues, ruined building and unmarked graves and the Talibannies pop out from behind these at unexpected times and try and kidnap you. If they succeed they drag you off to their evil empire where boys and girls are separated and girls have to wear a comedy costume and play in a special area all by themselves. The boys are given a “kiddy-fun” Russian AK-47 rifle and are taken to the shooting range to shoot at “evil aggressors” or else study how to move closer to God through slaughter.

If you escape kidnap, you can then join Dubyas Fantasy Star Wars game. The idea is use a state-of-the-art missile defence program to shoot down nuclear missiles that the Talibannies hurl at you. Unfortunately, the system was designed by Goofy and it doesn’t work very well. You lose points for each Dubya town that gets hit although crashing a nuclear missile in the centre of Yewroe land has no penalty and hitting France gets extra points

At the opening of Al Qaeda World, George Bush praised Disney’s approach to educating kids about the War on Terror. He also defended the “simplistic” style of the park, adding, “At last I’ve found somewhere that speaks my language”

Author’s note: This was around the time of the Enron accounting scandal

Andersens, the consultancy and audit firm, reacted with surprise to the news today that they had been added to the list of terrorist organisations compiled by the CIA. The news followed on from Andersens battering from audit scandals at Waste Management and Enron. However, it appears that the shock admission that they had also acted as consultants to Al-Qaeda and accountants of the personal fortune of Osama Bin Laden was the main cause of the listing.

“In hindsight, it was a regrettable association” commented Joseph Bernardino, chief executive officer at Andersens, from a secret location believed to be a small cave in North Carolina. “However, we behaved with scrupulous professionalism throughout and are proud of our success in the strategic realignment of the World Trade Centre. We just didn’t expect Al-Qaeda to take the words “re-engineering” so literally. Still, at least we got over $100M in fees from them”.

Andersens were already under pressure for their role in the bankruptcy of Enron where they deny any connection between the huge consulting fees they obtained and their inability to see any problems in the exotic accountancy practices used by the company. “There was no link between the consultancy and audit operations” claimed David Duncan, the partner in charge of the Enron account “At least not in the literal sense, although possibly in the metaphorical one”.

However, Mr. Duncan went on to admit that the auditors may have been temporarily blinded by the enormous cheque on offer for consulting. “I’m telling you, that sucker was huge” he added “With that thing held in front of your eyes there was no way you could see all those fiddly numbers on the ledger”. He also went on to deny that the company had shredded important documents explaining that they had simply been “making streamers for the Christmas party”.

However, the terrorist listing creates a bigger problem for the company. Suspicions were first aroused after a number of Andersen consultants started wearing rocket powered trainers that they used to eject themselves from tricky client meetings, typically where a distraught customer was asking what the firm had actually done for the $50M they had charged in fees. Further discoveries at Al-Qaeda training camps of walls covered in Post-It notes connected by arrows and whiteboards with mysterious circles containing incomprehensible jargon were later revealed as Andersen’s customer-centric knowledge elicitation process flow techniques. Al-Qaeda terrorists confessed under interrogation that they “hadn’t understood a word of it” but hadn’t liked to say anything “in case they looked stupid”.

Andersens has issued a statement saying that they are looking forward to the challenge of the new opportunities offered by their placing on the list of the World’s most wanted organisations. “Our consultants are already being re-skilled in the arts of disguise, smuggling and sabotage. We will be offering this as a service to our new customer base consisting of blue-chip terrorist organisations including Iraq, North Korea, Zimbabwe and many more. Indeed, we have already come up with a new name for the new service – Foresight and Undercover Camouflage Teamworking. We are sure that our new slogan will be one the whole industry can rally round – ‘Get FUCT by Andersens'”.